Do I Care What People Think?

Yes.

And No.

Tricky, isn't it.  There is not a clear answer or definition to this most elusive of questions.  It ends up more a list of reasons rather than a solution.  All apply, and in different circumstances, different ones will take precedent.  So, my lists...

Yes.
I want approval, from those I think are important.  Those whom I love.  Those whom I respect, both professionally and privately.  It makes me happy.  It gives me a warm glow of worthiness, and helps each day to take a step forward.  I do not thrive on disapproval - if I feel that is my status, I feel low. 

I want people to like me, but don't always know how to get it to happen.  That confuses me.  I can play 'the game' as well as most, and sometimes use the knowledge I've amassed to be able to work a situation.  This is a learnt skill, not an inherent one.  I have to work at it, as I do with most things.  And of course, sometimes I can't be bothered - especially when the game is not worth playing.

But back to the warm glow... why does that happen.  A biological change happens when you smile - the simple thrust of movement seems to change the world inside your head - the formation of the muscles on your face can take a key step through banality, and force you to be a little lighter, calmer, more joyous.  So if the biology is there, it is partly that: when a compliment arrives and brings a smile to your face, the physicality changes the mood.

Chemistry too.  Drink (or I guess drugs - although I have no experience) loosens one up, and approval or connection can flow through.  I've noticed that one drink is wonderful, and makes me much more conversant.  This must be the Chemistry at work - chemical structures changing the way you feel.  Later, things don't always go on in this way.  Alcohol makes things more extreme - big highs with lots of fun, but big lows.  It acts as a magnifying glass to your natural state, and sometimes unusual things can creep in that you were not aware of.  But it's not all about drink - I;m no chemist, but when I feel someone thinks positively about me, I feel the rush of heat.  Surely that must be chemical?  And different people have different effects too.  Sometimes, the rush of heat is in different places - well, we all know what that means.  A secret stigmata that tells you how you feel.  Chemistry - two people having a physical reaction to one another.

The last of the three - Physics.  I'm even less a Physics expert than Chemist, but I take it generally to be a discussion and understanding how the world (infinity of being and non-being) operates, at a micro level.  Feeling that someone approves of my behaviour, being, skill, observations helps to make my world operate more effectively.  People will always work better with you if they approve, than if they don't approve.  So I want to make things run more smoothly.

And this is about fitting into your environment.  The rules which are set - culturally, legally, etc, all have a bearing.  In general I follow 'the rules'.  But have always had trouble where I don't understand of believe the rules are reasonable.  Live and let live has always been my motto - how a person chooses to live their life is not normally of concern.  Some things, yes.  A rampaging gun-man might not get my approval.  Extremists.  People who impose their way of life on others.

So if my basis on the rules is to the good of all, I am happy to follow it.  And make the world run smoothly. 

No
Sashaying through life completely without regard for anyone is a wholely fruitless state of existence.  We humans are built upon shared working to achieve more.  How else could we have evolved - if those before us had not taken a step further than their predecessor and on, and on.  However, there are lots of times when I don't care what people think.

When I don't respect them, their actions or judgement.
When I don't think they have a just reason for making a judgement on me.

The live and let live motto fits in here too though.  If people don't understand my reasons for living the way I do, they can still accept that it is my choice.  Just as I think the same about others.  If their disapproval harms me, then I am unhappy, and that will make me react differently to them.  The wheel turns, and we move on.  With luck, circumstance and hard work, you don't have to work repeatedly through the same problems too often.  I try not to anyway.

But I try not to get there anyway.  I want people to like what I do.

But more important than all of this, I want to like what I do.  And mostly, I do.

Back to colour

Feeling a lot better today. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I still don't know how to sort some things - perhaps even thAt phrase says it all. Sort. Maybe I should stop trying to sort things. Maybe that is impinging on free will, when it isn't mine to sort.

But I hate seeing someone in pain. Especially someone so special.

Time will tell.

Anyway, a project has come to fruition today. Nearly two projects. And the results - although as yet untested, should be just as hoped. Comfort and function for a loved one.

And achieving something is a tonic.

As is laughing with a friend.
The simple things in life are really so incredibly special to me.

Black

I'm at a loss.
Husband falling apart. How to help?

Work descending into poor performance. Through over commitment mostly. And poor prioritisation. I can't do it all.

Bank account sick.

Mother in law getting frail.

At least son is cool.

The banal ramblings of a Modern working woman. Not unusual I'm sure. But very personal while you're going through it.

The Trials of Imagination

Is Imagination a good thing?

Or a bad thing?

On one hand, it sends you spiralling safely into worlds you will never have to risk, and at the end of it all, it lets you return home.  You don't have to go there again if you don't want to (although nightmares have a will of their own).  It's a way of testing things you think you might want to explore, but won't, or can't, or shouldn't do.  We all have those, I'm sure.

The illusion is that imagination is not nearly so dangerous as reality.  In actual terms, maybe it is more dangerous.

On the second (and covert) hand, Imagination opens doors, and then you find you can't close them again.  Imagination is the rust on the hinges, the sock stuffed under the door-jamb, the moisture that swells the wood - preventing a previously snug fit from filling its chosen and previously acceptable hole.

Some liken it to allowing a caged bird to fly free, and then trying to get it back into the cage - whilst expecting it to be happy there.  John Osborne said 'A Taste of Honey' 'is a dangerous thing' in his play of the same (capitalised) name.  He could have been talking about imagination too.

My imagination is wild and free, and wanders all over the place.  It subverts my every day life, and criticises me for my dullness.  It is 'mad, bad and dangerous to know' - a phrase used by Lady Caroline Lamb to describe Lord Byron - but she might have been surreptitiously rummaging in my head.

There are only a few people who see my imagination.  A very few.  People I value and trust.  But not everyone I value and trust.  Only those I am not afeared of misunderstanding.

I used to keep it under lock and key.  Or subvert it into simple creative pleasures in dramatic terms - but since all that went by the wayside, it has been delving deeper into the madness of the psyche in a much more dangerous way.

And I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.

I only know, that it is very difficult to give it up.









It really doesn't want to go back in the cage.  It wants to fly free.