I have followed in the footsteps of someone I hold dear. That person has proved her faithfulness, and that the paradigm error was right. Can I, will I manage the same simple pleasure? To be with the one you love for time to care? As yet, I do not know. But I hope.
Life is finite. I’ve had a reminder of that recently. A small and furry one. I nursed and cared in such a simple way. It was greatly gratifying that I had the chance to do so, and that the pain ended when it did. Not so the pain for me. It fades but does not end. It was surprising – I did not think I would feel that way. It made me remember that I have been surrounded by the fluffy clouds of life for a long time – pain is a stranger.
Discomfort has been learnt as a shadowing partner – always there in the background. Life has to breed discomfort – else it would not seem real. Do I deny? No. I know that I will not deny that which is wanted of me, and which I want desperately in return. Regret? Some things, maybe – but they are the ones that make you who you are.
Perhaps I would be less of a decadent thinker if pain had been a more frequent visitor. Having too much time to think can be a detrimental manager in the business of time. If you sat lonely all the time, would you feel it more than if your inner loneliness was masked by a whirlwind of people and pastimes? Yes, probably. You would consider more why you were lonely, and although understanding the concept is helpful, it might not help in the mission to change it.
Busy people do more – because they don’t wish to feel the pain – a conclusion based on years of self review. At times when I have lots to do, I do not feel alone: I don’t have time to. Others I have seen share the attentions of many. Many dedicate their time and longing to a single cause, hoping for a single response back. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t – I never wish the latter pain on anyone. I do hope they see the pain and realise they don’t have to experience it. (Some pain is inevitable, but when you walk purposely towards the flame in the knowledge you will get burnt, is it wise? For the warmth? or sucked under and your own flame extinguished in the search for someone else's flame...)
But is there a hidden concern that to provide that single response would mean exclusion of others, and eventually painful loss? Yes. It’s not really hidden and nor is it unwise. Perhaps it’s the only way. In which case, it is a working strategy that manages a series of truly blissful relationships. (Or a series of mediocre ones, which may still be better than the pain itself).
Only when the fear of the loneliness peeps its head above the mercury surface does it sometimes admit ‘I don’t want to be alone.’ None of us do. Knowing that, and recognising that at some point perspectives might have to change, is the way forward.
Keep on with the shiny distractions. They are the only way, for now. And in time, the alchemist will change flexibility to simple, uncomplicated and unpolished gold. It’s not the only precious outcome, can be crass and unsubtle. But it will lie there partially hidden for eternity: never tarnished and can never be destroyed.
