“They say that every snowflake is different. If that were true, how could the world go on? How could we ever get up off our knees? How could we ever recover from the wonder of it?” Jeanette Winterson

I don't try to pretend that every emotion I feel is unique.  Or that each time I hurt, or laugh, or fly with happiness, that no one else has felt the same, or greater than me, whether now, or in the past, or in the future.  I wouldn't be so immodest to believe that my heart is any different than anyone elses.

We can't measure love, except by our own experience.  One is not greater than another, every love you have is a snowflake, as near to unique as ever could be comprehended, and in fact - can never be explained.  Why two people should feel a connection is beyond me.  It's (as I have said before) a question of chemistry. 

But the difference of each of them is very important.  You can appreciate the differences as well as the similarities.  One person is uniquely different to another, and so they don't need your love in the same way.  They may not even need your love.  They may want it, in spite of being strong and independent.  You may want to give it, without any reaction from them - although this plant will eventually wither and die, unless something keeps it fed and watered.  And right now my plants have overdosed on Baby Bio.

I have had a splendid few weeks.  No time to write, and it has bottled up a little, into a story that yearns to be told.  It is a story of friends and fun and love and happiness.  A few weeks with rare interjections from the bad side of the world - and I have relished each moment as it comes.  A story of new beginnings, and rekindlings of old.  A story of ongoing flares, bubbling into the night sky.  A tale of gentle thoughts and simple pleasures.

And yet I cannot tell it.  The story burns inside, but the logic of all around me prevents it's freedom.  And that's as it should be.  If no snowflake is unique, then I am not unique in keeping my stories untold.  One day maybe, I will make a study of my snowflakes; if I thought anyone would be interested....

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” Anon

But the story of the last few weeks is one of hard work for more than one.  I suspect that others have not shared my pleasure.  Has it changed me?  Has it changed them?  The Doubt always creeps in, and makes me ashamed of the happiness I have felt.  Oh, why do I deserve that happiness?  Have I been overly indulgent?

Of course I have.

Can I make amends?  Maybe.

That seems to be my word of the day... maybe.
Each snowflake may bump into another and flutter gently down with them for a short time, even resting with them on a branch before moving on.  They can entwine their crystal fronds and become bigger and better than ever before.  And as each one progresses, they influence the path of others, either joining with them for a short while, or forever.  Learning from that experience.  Sometimes moving on harmlessly, sometimes having to disentangle, and sometimes forced to break the bindings to separate.  But never quite losing the memory, and always growing from the other's uniqueness.

My snowflake is fluttering lightly, and is buoyant, supported by some wonderous alternate branches.  I know that it will not last for ever; but appreciate my chances to touch the uniqueness of my fellow ice scrolls, and perhaps become a better person; before I sink under the wonder of my good fortune to know them.

Vermont farmer Wilson A. Bentley (1865 - 1931) was the first person to capture a single snowflake on camera.  He was later known as Snowflake Bentley for his pioneering 19th-century photography of more than 5,000 jewel-like snowflakes — no two alike.



Now

For every simple pleasure there is the next day.
For every perfect moment there are a million dull ones.
To see your reality for a moment touch fantasy is to taste heaven
and not fear the fires of hell.

When one day starts in peace
You know there will be more in complexity.
The joy of now a temporary right
Becomes a standardised loan in need of repayment.

The sigh of open heart untamed
The waking dream of sense unleashed,
The here, the now, the day, the night,
The wishes lined in sable cushions lay.

And so to sit in wait for what may come,
So long in need of sleep and silk.
Return at once to calm untamed,
The sunrise appears in perfect glow.

Excitement

An eagerly anticipated time awaits.  All the trappings of the holiday season of course, and other more intimate moments.  Not that anything untoward will be happening, but I can't hide my excitement.  Well, not from myself and my blog, anyway.

A trip to see friends is the cause.  Planned for months, and I've been counting the days.  Simple pleasures: the chance to dress up and have fun.  Perhaps dance a little.  Enjoy good company.  Relax.  My time.  Me time.  Where I'm not in charge, trying to impress or dealing with heavy amounts of work.

I like being in charge mostly.  I get things done the way I want them.  Simple enough - but it takes work.  And I relish the chance to not be that person.  But every now and then, I like to submerge myself in someone elses will.  Not without trust of course, but with gentle acceptance that this is a part of me too.

I know who I am - it's always been said that I can be bossy.  Yes - I'd agree with that.  Overbearing, directive, selfish - lots of words describe me, with both good and 'bad' connetations.  And that's me.  I've tried to be someone else in the past.  I can't do it.  Those time burrow into my psyche and make me hurt inside.  I've vowed 'no more!'

So I will be myself - whoever that amorphous creature is.  Bad and Good alike.  A complex mix of controversy and compliance, rebellion and rules.  And I love her.

I love the balance.  I don't always love the outcomes, but I'd become really selfish if I didn't lose the battle once in a while. 

So my excitement is a chance to move from rules to rebellion, in a humane and safe manner.  No creatures will be hurt in the making of this trip.  Only exploration and fun to be had.  And to be the relaxed creature with no agenda, etherially letting things happen in an evolutionary manner.  Simplicity itself perhaps?  We will see. 

And breathe...