My Annual Review
I felt like doing one this year – it’s the first time in a few years that I have felt as though I achieved something worthwhile. And while I know I could do much more, I feel satisfied with what is there.
My home is more ‘up-together’ than it has been. I take the time, and can put aside my cares to get on with the mundane tasks. Somehow they seem worthwhile again now. Whilst I still become irritated by the futility of it all (if only I could afford a cleaner), there is a role that I fulfil, and it is a role that is useful. I am appreciated. Well, most of the time.
I have achieved a personal challenge, and managed to feel I’ve done my bit for some very vulnerable people. I have given time to people that need it. A precious thing, time.
I see progress in the junior. He seems to be thriving, and growing and developing, and I can rest assured that the progress he has made this year will enable him to survive in the future. He can be independent, it just hasn’t happened yet.
Of course the trouble has always been that I have inwardly compared him to my own experience, and that is so very different. It was unfair of me to do so. I never did this out loud of course – I made a point of suggesting it very occasionally, so he knew he was different to me. I think he is more his father’s son really. And that is great.
All I want to do is help him not make the same mistakes we made. But in truth, they are his mistakes to make, and that’s part of life.
I see comfort in my companion. We have laughed and laughed this year, and there have been many joyous occasions. I also see pain and unsettlement and irritation, and I’m not sure what to do about those. All I can do is be there for my ‘role’ where I can. Which is most of the time.
I have developed deep friendships this year. And delved further into old ones, rekindling things long since forgotten. Some have been taken to new levels – surprising ones, but very fruitful outcomes have been created. I respect and love my friends – they have shown how they treasure me for who I am, and not judge by faded paradigms.
I’ve taken time to think about myself. My writing has become more formal – in part, this blog is to blame, as is the dear friend who accidentally suggested it. I relish being able to put my words on paper, and it helps me sort my mind into some semblance of order. Sometimes, re-reading it, I see that my words are coordinated and make sense. Other times, it is a rambling splurge of thoughts. But either way, it is helpful to me to clear my mind at emotional times, and reflect on the contents of my wispy cobwebs later. Like Dumbledore, I guess, in his pool.
And the blog is not all. Constructing a new story has been wonderful, and although it too is not conventional, it is a side of me that requires releasing into writing. And another thing to thank someone for – the hope of sending my story into the world. Hope is a fabulous thing. It breathes life into the darkest day, and acts as a beacon when all around is collapsing. So to have that, gives one a tool to use when you need it.
Looking back at the year, I try to see whether I am 'a self-actualizing individual'. It is perhaps immodest to say it, but I believe I am - and therefore above average. That's not a bad thing to be. My self-awareness has developed. I know my faults and can work with them. If I feel the need, I work against them. I respect who I am and have a slight toss of the head and say - if others don't like that, then tough. I am me, and I trust that those who are worthwhile will know and respect me for that.
I love the things that have happened this year. Even the ‘not-so-good’ can be explained with a reason. I adore the people that have made my life worth living.
I don’t deign to pretend that 2012 will be better or so many great things will happen. I know that things change, and people change, but wish to send good karma. If they choose to send it back to me, that is wonderful. I can but hope.
