Is it better to know that you are rejected? Or to lay in blissful ignorance?
I want to know something specifically. But to ask would be to admit that there is a shadow of a hope in my heart that the answer will be yes. To ask would open the possibility of an answer that was no – and that would be crippling. Survivable, but painful in the extreme. Possibly not forever, but now. And now kills all hope. (I’m a bit short-termist I guess).
A simple yes or no is far too simplistic for the question. But a ‘depends’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘well… if, and but,’ would be complicated and although understanding, would determine a range of possibilities that may or may not ever happen.
Can we always answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’? Probably not. A lie-detector has various control questions, and those (and similar statements of fact) can be clear and defined. But affairs of the heart? Of the Psyche? No, I don’t think they can ever be answered with such certainly. We might say ‘yes, for now’, or ‘yes if things don’t change’ (and that will never happen – that’s the joy of the world we live in), or even ‘yes, because that is what is best right now.’
It might also be ‘no – for now’, or ‘no, if things don’t change’, or even ‘no, because that is what is right for me right now’.
The ‘for now’ and ‘if things don’t change’ returns to an old topic of mine. There are no straight lines in nature. There are only lines on the horizon that look straight over a period of distance, but in the bigger picture are curved or tangents. One has to consider things over the time of now. That is where things are real. The past is gone. The future is misty and uncertain. But now – and possibly a few short months ahead, are usually predictable. And that is comforting. It’s nice to know that there are good things to look forward to. And that someone’s love or good feeling can be relied upon to support you, and care for you, and feed your happiness.
Or even that there will not be that support, or happiness or reliance in the short term. I can’t tell what will happen in the future. But each step we take towards it takes us back down that winding garden path, to the unknown.
So do I want a ‘yes’ or ‘no’? Does ignorance of knowing comfort the blow or hamper making a different way forward? I can’t answer that today.
Do I want the answer to be ‘yes’? Yes. But I can’t admit it.
Should I want the answer to be ‘yes’? No. As that would be to accept the complexity is real.
The question?
Do you want me to move closer to you?
