Winter approaches once more

Feeling a little lost today.

1.        It’s the end of the season, and so I will not have any more events to go to.  The other half doesn’t want to go to the one that is left, and in any case there would be no more friends there to have fun with.

2.       The Winter is approaching.  Whilst I love it, it is a quiet time, somehow less exciting than summer.  It’s cold and dark and wet.  Although wet is something that I’m now used to – and it’s a sure thing that I won’t be camping in it over the next few months.

3.       Lots of work to do.  Final year of a big project, which is not going to be easy, and will take a lot of determination, planning, motivation and constancy.  Mustn’t get distracted.  So might not be blogging very often.

4.       Something very good is waning.  No difference in thought or intention, but I now know the magic has been eroded.  It’s probable that this was inevitable.  Got it out of my system – you know.  And no deterioration of feeling.  Everything has it’s time, and this short time was mine to treasure, and has been treasured.  And will be treasured, ever.  Being lost today is another step on the ladder climbed.  Whether in the right direction or wrong, the sweet truth is that the pursuit is something that should happen.  Stay strong on the ladder, friend, you may reach a better platform, even though there is no lift to assist your progress.  I cannot want anything more – I have not the right or the ambition to join the climb – I have my own ladders to climb.  I’m not jealous though, just thoughtful, and wishing… well, I don’t know what I wish.  I’ve always known my place.

But I do have a few little excursions planned.  These will see me through.  I guess.

If I run on a treadmill, am I benefiting from anything?  I go nowhere.

Well; I guess I will be fitter through the effort.

PS.
I still find myself concerned that I would rather spend time away than at home.  Am I fickle, or just in need of variety?  That's a whole other post.

'The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.' Winston Churchill

Is it better to know that you are rejected?  Or to lay in blissful ignorance?

I want to know something specifically.  But to ask would be to admit that there is a shadow of a hope in my heart that the answer will be yes.  To ask would open the possibility of an answer that was no – and that would be crippling.  Survivable, but painful in the extreme.  Possibly not forever, but now.  And now kills all hope.  (I’m a bit short-termist I guess).

A simple yes or no is far too simplistic for the question.  But a ‘depends’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘well… if, and but,’ would be complicated and although understanding, would determine a range of possibilities that may or may not ever happen.

Can we always answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’?  Probably not.  A lie-detector has various control questions, and those (and similar statements of fact) can be clear and defined.  But affairs of the heart?  Of the Psyche?  No, I don’t think they can ever be answered with such certainly.  We might say ‘yes, for now’, or ‘yes if things don’t change’ (and that will never happen – that’s the joy of the world we live in), or even ‘yes, because that is what is best right now.’

It might also be ‘no – for now’, or ‘no, if things don’t change’, or even ‘no, because that is what is right for me right now’.

The ‘for now’ and ‘if things don’t change’ returns to an old topic of mine.  There are no straight lines in nature.  There are only lines on the horizon that look straight over a period of distance, but in the bigger picture are curved or tangents.  One has to consider things over the time of now.  That is where things are real.  The past is gone.  The future is misty and uncertain.  But now – and possibly a few short months ahead, are usually predictable.  And that is comforting.  It’s nice to know that there are good things to look forward to.  And that someone’s love or good feeling can be relied upon to support you, and care for you, and feed your happiness. 

Or even that there will not be that support, or happiness or reliance in the short term.  I can’t tell what will happen in the future.  But each step we take towards it takes us back down that winding garden path, to the unknown.

So do I want a ‘yes’ or ‘no’?  Does ignorance of knowing comfort the blow or hamper making a different way forward?  I can’t answer that today.

Do I want the answer to be ‘yes’?  Yes.  But I can’t admit it. 

Should I want the answer to be ‘yes’?  No.  As that would be to accept the complexity is real.  

The question?

Do you want me to move closer to you?