Being Alive

A moment of clarity from Stephen Sondheim

Bobby is a confirmed batchelor, whose married friends continually try and find him a girlfriend.  Throughout the show he muses on who and why and what a partner should mean, and debates whether he wants one.  His final frustrated tirade, and subsequent acceptance/revelation is emotive, and in both words and music.

It speaks to me about what we all want - or get - from any relationship.

ROBERT:  What do you get? (with a relationship)

Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.


Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.

Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.

He realises what he really wants.
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.

Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.

Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!

If you get the chance, listen to the full vocal version. 

I love this song.  It reminds me that there is a very fine line between right and wrong in relationship terms.  Sometimes it just takes one word to change the meaning.

Life can be very subtle.

Stuck in the Mud

Well, I'm still here, even though I've not been posting.  And it wasn't because my activity earlier this month debilitated me.  Just that there has been so much going on.  And also that I've been struggling to make enough sense, in one place at one time, in liaison with the computer, to make any cohesive attempt at showing my thoughts.

I've been rather pressured by things that are directly or indirectly my responsibility.  Helping another to make choices, when he really would rather not.  This is a process of sowing the seed, and encouraging conversation to make him order his own mind, and think about the future.  I think we might finally be getting somewhere now.  There has been a change in him that is welcomed.  As I have posted before, it is indifference that really gets my goat, not a strong opinion and then working towards it - even if it is in what I see as the wrong direction.  So I'm happy that the seed has germinated, and now he has to water it and care for it.

...and in spite of the above analogy - it is his seed, not mine.  I just gave him the seed catalogue to look at. 

He might not choose the seed I wanted him to plant - but then it's not my choice - or seed - or goat.

And that is the way it should be.

On a professional front, I've been challenged on work done over a year ago.  It is good to make me go through this and correct the anomaly, but frustrating when I was told that it was all done and dusted, and the problem was not material.  This type of work is not in my comfort zone, although with hard work, I've got through it so far.  One more step to go.  I need to think carefully about this one, but it is doable.

Looking back is good.  It reaffirms what went right and what went wrong.  It's just frustrating to be put on the spot again, when you thought all that was over.  Like opening an old wound, digging a spoon in and waggling it about.  Then adding a bit of salt for good measure.  Oh well- that is what they pay me for. 

Other frustrations abound there - people, circumstances, and an endless battle of priorities.  I simply can't do everything.  There - I've said it.  That's been annoying me hugely this week, as I really want to help everyone.  But I can't do it all - and develop the system too.  There just aren't enough hours in the week.  My working hours are creeping up again... need to watch that one.

But I can remove 'waste' from the system where possible.  Like the 'lean-working' I'm always on about, I can assess the steps of the process and work out what is value-added.  then cut out anything that isn't so categorised.  I've got to do that. 

I think I'll go and sort my tupperware cupboard now.

And yes, these beautiful things really are made of tupperware.  There can be innovation and beauty in all things - a lesson for us all.

I Step Up

It's easy to take things for granted.  Often you don't see their worth until they are gone.

Today I'm making damn sure I appreciate what is fantastic about my life.  I won't get to everything but the important ones know who they are.

It's a reflective time.  Trying hard to ignore creeping doubts about what I've done.  But hey, I can't change anything that is in the past.  Just learn from it and move on.  All the windows are open because of the unseasonal heat - it's not a good day for doing the life laundry, but there is lots of sorting and cleaning going on.  Finishing off a few things feels good - especially when they've been hanging around for a while.

Count Vronsky in Tolstoy's Anna Karenin, does this: every now and then he has a “laundry day” where he puts all his affairs in order, and completely clears his mind.  And when he’s finished “doing his laundry” (he doesn’t actually wash his clothes), he feels like a new man. His friend says it always looks like he just got out of a bath.  Generally, he's not a terribly nice chap, but he is efficient.  And knows where his towel is (Douglas Adams - HHGTTG)

I've foolishly ordered a portrait.  I've been meaning to do it for several years - about 12 I guess - to be taken from an old and wistful photograph.  Finally I've found someone I think will do it justice, and hope that it comes out well.  It seems a little immodest of me, but then I need to certify my own confidence.  And I won't have to look at it too often - as it's a family present.  It's an irrational purchase really.  But the product also of money I had put by to do something very special, which never happened, and will probably not anyway.  So it's gone to good use.

I feel proud of myself.  I'm taking a leap of faith.  I'm trusting people to do their job, and not trying to do it for them - not that I could anyway.  And I've achieved a couple of goals along the way.  There are many more to go, but Confucious said

And that's probably an over-used quote, but I like it just the same.  I've started my journey over and over.  it seems as though every journey is one step - you never quite reach the end, just take the next journey, or step, in your stride.  Changing direction is frequent.  And it never quite reaches the finish line.  Perhaps that is why sports are so popular - you do come to an end.  The end of the race, the end of the match.  And then you prepare for the next one.  With life, it's one step after the other.

But I'm happy.  Happy that I'm taking a step forward, and am looking back at all the good and bad things that have happened.  More good than bad I'm glad to say.  I will take my leap and be done.