'A man growing old becomes a child again.' Sophocles

It’s been a week of quiet excitement and reflection.  Of reawakening, and trepidation.  My weekend is disappearing quickly. Some of the tasks on my list done, and a whole range of tasks not on the list also done.  The list isn’t any shorter.  Well, perhaps one or two.

I’ve been cooking.  I’ve realised that I love doing it, but you need someone there to eat the results.  You can’t eat it all – the quantities don’t work.

I’ve learnt that hot water pastry is a sod.  But tastes wonderful.  If it will only hold together for a few days, the right people will all get a taste.

I’ve learnt not to forget your roasting chickpeas.

I’ve learnt that ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ is a beautiful film.  But it should come with a health warning.  If you are in slight need of a good cry – get it out – it’s a doozer.

And so sensitive.  So meaningful – to me, to you.  I’d defy anyone to say they didn’t get one little thing out of watching it.  That connected it to you.

And so many poignant moments.  I’ll have to share some here.  There are so many of them…

I guess it’s cheating – I should use my own words.  But I find a connection with life, with love, with eternity, when I find connection in someone else’s words.  And I have to explain.

Benjamin Button: ‘It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you.’

We never stop changing do we.  Perhaps we just miss the signs and don’t realise it.  I still feel the same as I did when I was 16.  But I’m not.  I’ve loved now.  I’ve lived.  I have people who are so important to me it hurts.  That is different.  I didn’t have that intensity at 16 – I thought life was endless and couldn’t see further than a few weeks.  Or perhaps a few months.  Now I want to preserve what I have but am terrified I will lose it.  And hope that some of the wonderful things will carry on.  For they make me real.

Mrs. Maple: Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?

Everyone is transitory in this life.  And for most of us, people are transitory within it.  There are very few people who are with you always – that’s just not the way it works.  Brothers and sisters maybe?  The odd friend.  Lovers don’t come till much later, and to be blunt can never live up to expectations.  Which is right and proper.  The important people are with us for a while – maybe short, maybe long – and then pass on to the next thing.  We must learn not to hate the process.

Benjamin Button: ‘You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.’

Simplicity itself.  A quote from someone else – ‘one man cannot change the world.’

And even if he could, he has to leave the world behind some time.

Daisy: Sleep with me.
Benjamin Button: Absolutely

Even more simplicity. (Especially if it's Cate Blanchett.  Hang on, shouldn't that be Brad Pitt...?)

Benjamin Button: Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

I don’t regret any of my choices.  I’ve tried to take opportunities.  I’ve even made a few.  A wise young man called David once told me, don’t regret anything – it’s too late and wastes energy.  I wonder where he is now.

Being defined by opportunities seems like being controlled by external influences.  But it’s not just that – it’s a punctuation that allows you to breathe.  It gives pause, or changes the pace, or sets you up for the big next step.  It’s a way to remember milestones – for we all forget the steady change, and how that changes us (see first BB quote above).

Benjamin Button: I'm always lookin' out my own eyes.

No matter what – you are always you.  It’s your choice, your life.  Something for me to remember, when I see how I’ve changed physically.  How I hate myself some days for the indulgent behaviour that has led to most of my ongoing sadnesses.  I really should learn that it’s me in here, and if I want to change, it’s me that will do it.  I can’t, won’t and shouldn’t ask anyone else to do it for me.  Although I might need a kind word and my hand held every now and again.

Take control, but allow someone else to take the rudder every now and then.  Even the head goose takes pause and drops back in the formation sometimes.

Benjamin Button: [Voice over; letter to his daughter] For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Ditto

Queenie: You never know what's comin' for ya.

So live each day as though it were your last.

Benjamin Button: Some people, were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, dance.

And some people do a bit of everything.  That’s me.  I sit in the middle of a web of creativity and skills, and share it with some very special people.  Different ones of them feed my mind and soul in different ways.  They are different people.  But wonderful.

And me?  I’m just happy tonight that I’m not living backwards.  Much as it would be fantastic to think you were going to look like a young Cate or Brad in the future, it causes more problems than it solves.  They wouldn’t be able to eat all of my cooking.



They all grow up eventually

I'm sitting waiting for my son to finish his first driving lesson. How soon this has all come along, and although it's early in this case, I'm sure I will see a steady decrease in his need of me as the next couple of years progress. I'm so glad he's confident in this area. We've tried so hard over the years, and it's not been easy. Partly because he has gained the husband's temperament, and my weak areas too. That sounds a little odd, and most that knew me would declaim my lack of confidence.

The thing is, it's mostly a show. I hide my insecurities very well, and only those with the deepest of understanding see through the glaze. It's a strong glaze, built on years of layered lacquer, and a fine dusting of schmoozey light deflection. It's there, but light bends around the true me.

So the boy has the worst of that. Or is it that I have created circumstances where he has fallen down, and I picked him up rather than let him get up himself. I didn't think I did that but when 20:20 hindsight kicks in, you start doubting yourself.  Children pick up on who you are, not just what you want them to be.  There will inevitably be some of your bad habits that they pick up - and it's hopefully not the worst ones. 

In their learning process, they see what is considered normal, and believe that it is normal.  Perhaps that's aggressive behaviour, drink or drug addition.  Perhaps its bossiness, being spoilt, or ego. Perhaps it's the paradigm that it is possible to love multiple people at the same time.  Perhaps it's the lovely laid back attitude, lack of arguments, cynicism, humour and sensitivity.  Perhaps it's the ability to be a good and deep friend, but only to a small number of people.  Maybe it's the work ethic, or principles, or unbending beliefs.

Maybe it's more or less of any of those things.  Not just me, but all of humanity rises and falls when one parent-child relationship continues the delegated responsibility for the grandparent's ideals. 

But it mutates slightly through each step.  My son is not me.  He may have some of my ideals (the good ones I hope) but he is so much more - as he has all his own ideals too.  I hope to share in learning about those ideals as I get older, and he does too.  I hope I have a friend in my son.

Forgive the cheesy picture, but don't we all want the best for our children?

Talking rubbish

It's late, and a conversation has stolen my peace.

Something that I thought was relatively stable has proved not to be so, and needs urgent attention. But I'm not meant to know.

How to give someone confidence in himself? Or two people?

Have I lost sight of all that matters? In pursuit of my own life.

Wise words Mr K

'IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
 
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
 
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son! '


I stumbled upon this today for the first time in quite a number of years.  I think my last encounter may have been at school.  I know that when I read it today, it resonated far more than it did then.  This is probably down to experience.  You go through life choosing things, and learning skills.  I'd like to think I have some of these skills.

'If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue'

How many public figures could learn from that....  My crowds are of a somewhat smaller nature, and I pride myself that I may talk to them with honesty and yet engage them in my verbosity.  Take them along with me, to learn the things I know, and perhaps enrich their lives a little.

'If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;'

Confidence is both an asset and an albatross around your neck.  There are those who see you walk tall and follow you - for surely walking tall is the sign of someone who knows what they do.  Sometimes, they just follow because it is easier for them to do so.  But others doubt that your confidence is worthy, and suspect you have other motives.  I'm not sure what they hope to gain, but they do.  The English are particularly good at this - as a nature we are suspicious of success, believing anyone who builds their life is up to something.

I try so hard to impress - to inspire confidence in others.  But often, it is difficult to even convince yourself that you should be a source of inspiration.  You look at what you do, and see only (or mostly) the faults.  So how can you believe that others should follow you?  That is where your supporters come in.  It becomes a chain - they give you back that confidence and help you find the way that works.  They love you, and are there for you when you lose faith in yourself.

The 'man' who always trusts himself, and has confidence in himself when all around him doubt, is rare.  Some that think they do, have just not thought things through.  It's actually more fun to ride the wave, and work with others to achieve your goals.  Fighting through adversity is said to make people stronger, and that I truly believe.  They may get a little wiser, and a little more reticent along the way.... but that's not a bad thing.  I think I tread the middle ground.  Sometimes I ride the wave of confidence, other times I am stable.  It's something to aspire to though.

'If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;'

Hmm - I'm working on that one.  Dreams can be functional, a release of inward stresses, a pleasant distraction, an overture to where you wish to be.  At the intermission, or the third act?  Where will you be?  Will your final curtain be at a point where you can say 'hmm, yes, I achieved my dreams' or even 'I was lucky enough to experience some of them'.  Perhaps I need to work on my dreams some more.  Without allowing them into the realms of obsession.

                                         'If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim'

Writing this tome has cleansed me, got many things off my chest, and given me new perspective.  The thoughts are not my aim, the aim is to lead a better life, for me and my loved ones, and possibly for the world in general.  I don't really want all the Earth, but I do hope to be a better 'man.'