'No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe' - John Donne, 1624



No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe;
every man is a peece of the Continent,

a part of the maine;

if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse,
as well as if a Promontorie were,
as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine own were;

any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde;

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.

Today has been quite changeable.  It started with a high - and then another.  Personal things that I've longed to do for some time, and now have done.

A quiet day, doing chores, tidying heart and home, and a little work thrown in. 

Well, quite a lot of work really, but I am surprisingly mellow about it.  A deadline on Monday.  My team have noted that I seem not to care.  This is not true - I care very much, but have finally managed to set it in perspective.  

This year I have taken control.  I am no longer reliant on a system that fights me every step of the way.  I take what it gives and then adjust for the things I know are missing.  Bringing everything back to completeness.  I have learned to trust my team, to allow them to help me, and take ownership and develop their own ideas and strategms.  And it has helped.  The weight of the job is not just on my shoulders, they help me carry the heavy load.  And they too benefit from this.  An Island is only an island if you look at the water.  We are all connected beneath the surface.

What would be good is if everything worked perfectly first time.  If there were no adjustments to make, and if the system did all the work.  But that never happens.  Ever.  In anything.  So why should I be trying to attain the impossible here in my work life, as I have done in my private.  Who cares about my struggles?  They want my work to be the best, to use it for their aims (and abuse it when it suits), but do not care or understand the sweat and tears that lie beneath.

That doesn't mean to say I don't try my best.  Lord knows I've struggled to perfect things.  But even though most of us know there is no 'Happy Ever After', we still try to attain it. We dream about it, and write it down in books.  I get paid to do a job - and doing it well makes me happy.  My own terms, my rules.

Do I want there to be a Happy Ever After?  If I did get it right, first time, would it provide the challenge during or the satisfaction on completion?  The satisfaction -yes, it probably would give, the first time.  But the second or the third.... ?  Satisfaction is like a drug - we need to be challenged more to gain it.  Each step further than the last.  To be able to taste the next sip of nectar - a new step, richer, thicker, more idyllic than the last.  We want to bathe in such luxury, but know that it is not good for us.  It makes us want more.

In work, that is accepted.  The consumate professional works to an end, achieves (or doesn't) and moves on to new things.  Perhaps that is why I am so cool - I have reached the point at which I should move on, but can't, just yet, and that has made me switch off from the pain of frustration.  I should move, refresh the challenge.

But I don't want to leave things half finished.  Walking away now would seem like abandonment on my part - I have to finish what I have started.  Although nothing will be 'finished' in the pure sense, it will carry on growing and developing for many years.  But I can reach a stable state, that has a future.  I care what happens afterwards - when I am gone.  I want to be remembered in a good light.  (As a shining beam in the gloom would be nice, but that is too much to ask...)  And it makes me happy to know that I leave that legacy.


Such a waste

Do any of us ever achieve what we set out to do?  We may achieve a version of what was started, but it has often evolved into something different.  All we can hope is that we have instilled some of our values into it, and given it the best start in life.  To allow it to become its own thing, is perhaps one of the challenges - like letting a grown child out into the world. 

We also learn by the journey, and sometimes, just sometimes, the thing we achieve is far better than we ever dreamed of.  Our imagination is not infinite - combine the imaginations of valued people along with your own, and you can make something amazing together.  And it is not the end, but just the beginning. 

Father Alfred D'Souza - mysterious possible theologian and philosopher 
'For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,
some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way.
So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.'

And finally for today

'If you want to be happy, be.'  ~Leo Tolstoy