I realise last night's blog was uncharacteristically raw. The response to something that unsettled me.
Your love for yourself is central to your ability to take new challenges and step forward bravely in everything that you do. Part of it is a conviction that you can do what you are about to do. And part of it is understanding what you are and are not capable of. It’s a question of being realistic in these considerations, but also to understand that if there is something you have to do, then you need to find a way of do it, that doesn’t involve getting someone else to do it, or doing without it.
I have never suffered from lack of confidence. Anyone who knows me would probably stake their life on this. There are times though when it has wavered.
A long time ago I was a performer. An actress, who could carry a song, and execute a dance. But chiefly an actress. I was up there on the stage portraying someone other than myself. One of the things about this was that you usually have a script. When you didn’t – that horrific word ‘improvisation’ – I would shy away and never create what I thought of as good work. I couldn’t think quickly enough to say the things that really meant what I wished to convey. So I avoided it.
Then a friend convinced me to do something that involved high risk improvisation – face to face with the public. I was petrified. But hooked. I wasn’t very good that first time, and remember freezing at one point, and being helped out by one of my colleagues. But I did get something out of it, and went on to do many more. My confidence in myself grew. In being myself on stage, rather than having to be a character. And this spread into my work life, and other hobbies, allowing me to find a whole new sector of operations.
So I do understand a little of what someone close to me is going through. But I am frustrated, as every opportunity has been given to develop those skills. Something as simple as ordering a meal is – seemingly – impossible. Or at least, he shies away from it.
I’ve always thought of this as laziness, and been cross, but got on and done it anyway. But I now see that my ‘giving in’ has created a bigger problem. I do know I haven’t been negligent – I’m sure about that. I do know that I’ve only done what I thought was right for him. Have I spoilt him? Maybe.
So it’s back to square two. (Square one would probably be an over simplification) Little steps.
What has been hard is that another person has been rather critical on my lack of understanding. As though he knows so much more. Yes, he is probably far quieter than I. But the conversation gave the impression that I was in the wrong for acting as I have done. And turned it in on himself as an equal victim that I didn’t understand. I don’t know where to go with that one – he won’t tell me what is really bothering him. So I’m in the dark. I might have suspicions, but I can’t do anything about those until confirmed. And this is typical. I want to know. I ask, but I never get any answers, real, implied or hints.
How am I meant to know what to do? How is anyone meant to know what someone wants if they refuse to communicate? I want the best for them both. So how to go about it?
The quandary for now is such. I will try to find answers and solutions.
My favourite theorist Stephen Covey says if you want to change someone for the better, make sure you are who you want to be first. Easier said than done, especially when you believed it was all going well. Still, always good to take another look. And I know there are some things that I should avoid. But those are the sweetest pleasures. Do I have to take the bland option?
