They all grow up eventually

I'm sitting waiting for my son to finish his first driving lesson. How soon this has all come along, and although it's early in this case, I'm sure I will see a steady decrease in his need of me as the next couple of years progress. I'm so glad he's confident in this area. We've tried so hard over the years, and it's not been easy. Partly because he has gained the husband's temperament, and my weak areas too. That sounds a little odd, and most that knew me would declaim my lack of confidence.

The thing is, it's mostly a show. I hide my insecurities very well, and only those with the deepest of understanding see through the glaze. It's a strong glaze, built on years of layered lacquer, and a fine dusting of schmoozey light deflection. It's there, but light bends around the true me.

So the boy has the worst of that. Or is it that I have created circumstances where he has fallen down, and I picked him up rather than let him get up himself. I didn't think I did that but when 20:20 hindsight kicks in, you start doubting yourself.  Children pick up on who you are, not just what you want them to be.  There will inevitably be some of your bad habits that they pick up - and it's hopefully not the worst ones. 

In their learning process, they see what is considered normal, and believe that it is normal.  Perhaps that's aggressive behaviour, drink or drug addition.  Perhaps its bossiness, being spoilt, or ego. Perhaps it's the paradigm that it is possible to love multiple people at the same time.  Perhaps it's the lovely laid back attitude, lack of arguments, cynicism, humour and sensitivity.  Perhaps it's the ability to be a good and deep friend, but only to a small number of people.  Maybe it's the work ethic, or principles, or unbending beliefs.

Maybe it's more or less of any of those things.  Not just me, but all of humanity rises and falls when one parent-child relationship continues the delegated responsibility for the grandparent's ideals. 

But it mutates slightly through each step.  My son is not me.  He may have some of my ideals (the good ones I hope) but he is so much more - as he has all his own ideals too.  I hope to share in learning about those ideals as I get older, and he does too.  I hope I have a friend in my son.

Forgive the cheesy picture, but don't we all want the best for our children?

Friendship

Last weekend I met up severally with two old friends.  Both have been a huge part of my life, although one has slipped back in the number of times we meet for quite a few years.  But it remains true that I can slip back into deep and wonderful conversation with both at the drop of a hat.

For one of them, it is an unconventional hat, perhaps a patchwork beret or something wild and arty.  Practical, but uncompromising; and rightfully so.  Anything that is not right, is dispensed with.  And the glamour and certainty is fantastic.  I love her for her confidence, in life, in herself, in the world – and for her hefty batch of cynicism and practicality.  She’s amazing.

And so supportive of me.  But still very neutral and open.  She’s always so busy doing things, I can relax and not have to be the life and soul of the party.  Which is refreshing, as I play that role so much of the time.

There was a third party present though, and so I wasn’t as open as I would normally be, and did not get to speak about what was really affecting me.  This was interesting, but acceptable, and I’m sure there will be other times for that conversation.  In fact I know there will be.

The other hat was from long ago (probably a mad bobble hat or piece of carnival silliness).  I’d felt that we’d rather lost touch, but it turns out we’ve been around the houses in very different directions and ended up in a very similar place emotionally.  She’s also supporting and neutral.  There is rather a lot of history there, and we did quite a bit of sceptical reminiscing this time.  There was no interruption, no distraction, and no holding back.  We're mad.  Quite mad.  But she has encouraged me to do something that has been suggested by another wonderful friend who believes in me.  And what's more, I've done it.  So, we shall see how that turns out...

I believe in both of them, and trust them implicitly.  It’s ridiculous how I haven’t seen much of either lately, something I really must put right.  Not that I don’t have other excellent friends; but every piece in the puzzle of me helps me see the full picture.  And no hats were dropped in the making of this blog.

"Letters To My Son" by Kent Nerburn

This is so good I had to share it in full.  And I've bought the book....

Why people fall in love?

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it
happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why
some love grows and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and
causes, but you will never do anymore that take the life out
of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of
the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body,
love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions
and commonalities that two people share. And just as life
itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the
coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that
cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes, hopefully at least once in your life - the gift of
love will come to you in full flower. Take hold of it and
celebrate it in all inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we
all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you,
celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When this happen to young people, they too often try to
grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a
gift that just as freely, moves away. When they fall out of
love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving,
they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather
than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.

They want answers where there are no answers. They
want to know what is wrong in them that makes the other
person no longer love them, or try to get their love to change,
thinking that if some small things were different, love would
bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if
they go far away and start a new life, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But
there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they
accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of misery.

You need to know this about love, and accept it. You need to
treat what it brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in
love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with
yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't
choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find yourself someone in love with you but you don't
love him back, feel honored that love came and called at your
door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not
take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love
is how you deal with yourself. All our hearts feel the same
pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you,
and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it nor to
assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a
meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All
you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it
comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing,
then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person
who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it
poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.
There is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long
without love, they understand love only as a need. They see
their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and
they begin to look at love as something that flows to them
rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as
their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need.
They cease to be someone who generates love and instead
become someone who seeks love. They forget that the
secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to
grow only by giving it away.

Remember this and keep it to your heart. Love has its time, its
own season, its own reason for coming and going. You
cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can
only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it
comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or
from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and
there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and
always will be a mystery. BE GLAD THAT IT CAME TO LIVE
FOR A MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE.

If you keep you heart open, it will come again...

Transition and simplicity

Erwin G. Kotzab, Photographer

'She sees shooting stars and comet tails
She's got heaven in her eyes
She says I don't need to be an angel
But I'm nothing if I'm not this high
But we only stay in orbit
For a moment of time'
Counting Crows

Thank you to this wonderful group of musicians for these words.  There are too many meanings in them to count, but that's ok.  I feel refreshed and revived today.  Ready to face the new world.  It's good knowing I have such good friends that they can put up with my silliness, and my sensibilities.

Aim high.  There's nothing wrong with that at all - it's a question of purpose and design.  Having a purpose helps you to take one step after the other to reach something wonderful.  Design is about working out what steps to take to get there.  Looking up into the canopy leads you to ask what else is up there.  Trying to climb a tree to aim higher is probably not a good idea - you may fall, or get stuck, but you get a good view while you are up there.  And that stays with you for a long time.

'Many people die with their music still in them.  Why is this so?  Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live.  Before they know it, time runs out.' 

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Supreme Court Judge and Moral Sceptic

I am lucky, so lucky to have what I have.  I may waver, but I do believe that everything good is worth fighting for.  It's hard work sometimes.  Often.  Maybe even every day.  But the time to worry is when you don't care and so can't be bothered to fight.  That is the step into oblivion.

But it is worth fighting for more.  Everyone who is worth something sees comet tails and shooting stars.  One should have heaven in your eyes, and if someone sees you as heaven, then relish the joy of it, irrespective of what might happen tomorrow or the next day.  Live for the moment, plan for tomorrow.

'To change one's life:  Start immediately.  Do it flamboyantly.  No exceptions. ' William James, Philosopher

 Well, get on and do it now!

“Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious...” Michael Stipe

It seems that all is well.  Having portrayed uncertainty, disconnect, disapproval and indifference all weekend, now it seems that the praise is sung for the weekend's excursions and location.  I didn't see that one coming.









My mood has been somewhat depressed by the seeming atmosphere.  Accepting that a migraine started things off badly, was it too much to ask for a little positive speaking?

I really feel I should know these things by now.  If not now, then when will I learn the lessons?

However, all is well now.

The bigger garden pt 2

The picture frame is still large. There are squirrels in it, who bravely scamper all across their territory. Tomorrow it will return to normal. I had hoped that it might be returning with a new insight. On some level that is true. I have hinted, asked, encouraged, even slightly coersed information on feelings and intentions. To little avail. Well, a spirit of conversation maybe. But I can't even get below the surface.

I've been spoilt. I've come to think of feelings as being worth talking about, good and bad. Have I changed? Have I become more challenging, or have I higher expectations? I suppose I have. Or was I just ignoring it previously?

I still talk about the future. I ask what is wanted. Practical things are all we can discuss. And that is all we will ever discuss. I must accept that, and not expect more - it is just not going to change.

Should I accept? Or is that weakness? I realised from talking to a friend this week, that I have been singing the same tune for a number of years, and yet cannot bring myself to move forward. It isn't broken, so maybe I don't need to 'fix' it. I just need to learn to accept, like countless generations before me. And stop reflecting, challenging and lamenting my woes.

I know what to do. Now I need the courage to do it. But with renewed vigour, thanks to the picture frame and some good friends.