And this is how, you remind me...

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"

it's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how, you remind me
Of what I really am
Love this song.  An extract from 'How you remind me' by Nickleback.

The phrase also is particular to me, although not in the bitter reflections of the song.  I sometimes ponder on how other people influence me, and teach me about myself.

People that mean something,  people I love, consider friends, trust, and respect.  They make me see my faults and reflect upon past behaviour- often from a different angle.  They lead by example, by living the things I would like to live.  They make observations about themselves that prompt consideration of how I feel/act about such things.  Or make different choices than I would have made, but nevertheless interesting and enlightening

The best way to learn really - these people know that if they intentionally try to make me do something, I probably won't.  But if I see the benefit for myself, I may well give it a go.  And that's if they are aware of the impact anyway.  And in anycase, it makes me look at myself.  The difficulty is not to see what you want to see - but see what is really there.

And also sometimes people that don't mean anything still make observations, or behave in a way that make one learn about oneself.  It might just be that you consider what they have done, and vow not to make the same mistake, (in your eyes) or to achieve the same ends by different means.

Even people we really don't respect can be learnt from - although it is harder to take on board their actions, simply because we don't respect them.  We might not even listen.  But sometimes their approach is just so different from our own, it is hard to draw parallels.  We just come from different backgrounds.

People might accuse me of being a bleeding heart liberal, but I do believe that most people have something to offer.  They may be in the wrong job, or the wrong relationship, or the wrong culture, to influence properly and feel at home, but they will have some benefit even in adversity.  Taking a bikini with you on a 6 month work trip to the antarctic might seem incongruous, but it will remind you that there is a place where it can be worn.

Or people we don't even know.  Like a rock band of four guys in jeans - what could they possibly have in common with me? 

... apart from a yearning to understand myself.  Knowing that people influence me.

Lyrics really are the most powerful thing.  The all-seeing and gut-wrenching poems for the modern age.

We are all influenced in subtle ways.  Some new, some just a reminder of things we already know.  And it helps to be reminded.

"It is better...to look upon external beauty as Michelangelo did, as 'the frail and weary weed, in which God dresses the soul, which he had called into time." Ralph Waldo Emmerson

What is Beauty?

Philosophy Professor A.C Grayling said that there is 'an almost universal need for it', which can be demonstrated by asking how many people would willingly choose to live in ugly surroundings rather than pleasing ones.  So to need it, we must find it; and to find it we must define it.  If you believe the media, personal beauty is a slim shape (or muscular for men), pretty, blemish-free and symmetrical features, nice clothes conforming to a style of your choosing..... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  A well worn topic which I need not repeat. And many do think this is all beauty is.

And many, including me, enjoy this perception of beauty.  It's just lovely to look at. It's art.  And we can't deny that we are absorbed by it, drawn to it and like to look at it on the big screen.  I don't criticise truly beautiful people, just those who think it is all you should attain.  And so my ramblings take shape.

Many would say that beauty is subjective - in the eye of the beholder.  This is as old as the hills, mountains and seas - a known opinion that pre-dates Pythagoras.   This is a perceptive truth - for how else could one person prefer the straight lines of a magnolia box and another prefer the curves and rough stone of a medieval manor.   But sticking to personal beauty (one man's boyish figure is another man's rounded curves) does the media represent anything other than falsity?  And what is it that attracts us to someone who does not conform to the stereotype.  That person is truly the beautiful one - the one who can see beyond the surface.

Surely no one is taken in by the fact that all we see portrayed are these fairly repetitive looks.  Or are they.  The vulnerable (and those that should know better) believe that this is 'the norm' - that if they are not such a look then they are not worth anything.  This was brought to my attention at a discussion last evening, where senior teachers tried to explain why they could not ban make up at the school - not even for 11 and 12 year old girls.  There are those, apparently, who by the age of 11 are so ingrained into wearing make up that they cannot leave the house without it, and would die from lack of confidence.  These innocents are apparently being brought up by 15 and 16 year old siblings, and often live between two or more houses, without a proper bedroom of their own.  The only way the teachers can help to address these social issues is to work with the girls to wean them off their reliance on this and other 'pacifiers'.

Honestly - this made me cross.  Why pander to the tiny minority and teach the other girls that it is fine for them as well. I don't rant often, but this was frustrating. Two apparently sane and insiteful parents then described how each morning a battle ensues between them and their daughters, over how much make up was to be worn.  It was apparently easier to give in than to battle every day.  Are we, as parents, making a rod for the backs of the future generations by giving in?  Is the decrease in discipline causing more than just orange faced girls who couldn't show their natural prettiness if they tried?  ..... I digress.

There is some truth with physical beauty though - as Pythagoras identified that a mathematical perfection in a face or body gains an understandable attraction; and that surroundings of beauty often form predetermined patterns based on fertility and vital life signs - rich green trees, clear running water and so on.  The human body of course, if truly functional, is beautifully capable of the best reproduction.  Sadly, size 0 models are often infertile....

Most of us would say that there is more to beauty than just looks.  There is attitude - confidence is supposed to be a hugely attractive feature, and it can be - when balanced and kept in proportion.  Knowing what you want is comforting - you have a way forward, or at least a goal to try for.  And to see this in someone else can be devastatingly attractive, and comforting at the same time, particularly if they are close to you.  The converse is that if they cannot see the future, they can become unnattractive, by the very nature of not giving confidence in how they progress.  Having no vision allows you  (or them) to drift... sometimes that is fine, but sometimes it's not.  And seeing how to make it work; that too is attractive.

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost. There is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.”  Henry David Thoreau

But it's not all about confidence, it's about awareness and gentility too.  It's about intelligence and understanding and .... well, the list is endless.  Physical attributes to a person, that dip into their character. Oh, and what is character?  Is it something that you can put on and off like a coat?  Not really  - true character must be lived.  Someone trying to falsify that character will eventually show the cracks, and be seen for the person they really are.  It's about beliefs, deep set and heart warming.  Things you desperately want to be.  The beautiful person you aspire to be.

Stephen Covey says to improve the superficial things in your life (money, relationships, status) you have
'to start with the most inside part of 'self' - with your paradigms, your character, and your motives.'
Basically 'be' who you want to be.  And there is nothing quite so beautiful as someone who is what they aspire to be; and even if they are not there yet, can see that goal and are working towards it.

Looking for the Covey quote, I found a list I made on a course in about 2002 - of things that I wanted to be remembered for - as though I were writing my own epitaph - in the way that I would have achieved the most important things to me.  I chose:

• Respect
• That I tried hard to please
• Honesty and being honorable
• Worked hard
• Dedicated
• Loyal
• Trustworthy
• Always there to support a friend
• Loved, and Loving
• Intelligent and Knowing
• Gentle
• Warm
• Skilled, and concentrated her skills on the things most important to her
• Versatile
• Enthusiastic
• Happy
• Satisfied with herself - but never stopped learning and developing.

It seems a little obvious in some cases, but actually, I look at it now, and see all the things that are still important to me.  I'd like to think I have achieved a reputation for most (answers on a postcard please) which was quite a revelation, even if I'm really hard and honest, I'd admit to working well on some and not so well on others. - but let's 'be' that confident person tonight, so I will say 'I have achieved most'  (now.... sustaining them.....).  The one I would add now, is 'Brave'.  To have the courage to see a path that leads to achievement of all those things is tricky for me. Not that I hope to have to be brave - but to ensure I've done the things I can.   It's a risk in the short term, that leads to the long term happiness and acceptance that experiences have not been wasted and opportunities have not been lost.

What I didn't write down were the physical things I want or feel I need, or that the forced relationships with others to try to change them.  That's a revelation.  I've been cross with myself for so long about body shape, and missed the obvious facts beneath.  Change yourself and your perception of what you want, is Mr Covey's focus - wise words.

There is of course an even deeper level of beauty - that of spirituality.  In some, this is their faith, in others, it is wider and more open than one religion at a time: or not 'religious' at all - for what is religion but a set of rules based around how you wish to live your life?.  The transcendentalists noted that

"man has something besides the body of flesh, a spiritual body, with senses to perceive what is true, and right and beautiful, and a natural love for these, as the body for its food."  Charles Mayo Ellis,

and the Emmerson quote at the heading  speaks of physical beauty as purely a lip gloss on the lip of the model - it's the lip and the content inside (the ability to use the lip productively?) that are the true worth.   The transcendentalists looked to the writings of many religions and non-religious theories, bringing west and east together (whilst trying to avoid heavy European influences) into a core understanding of how man is put together. Seeing through the haze to the real person is an art and a science, and none of us get it right all the time.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?” Henry David Thoreau

My spirituality, I think, comes partly from my ability to try and see good in all things and most people.  I understand many opinions, always trying to search for a new sense of perspective.  I believe that there may well be more to life than this, but try to keep my feet on the ground - for to my knowledge man has not yet learnt to fly.  John Ruskin called natural beauty 'vital beauty' - the beauty of all living things.  If I want to 'be' the list above, this seems as good a start as any - so I shall try to 'be' vital.  Be Alive.

But now, I think I'm rambling, and in danger of wandering off the path, so I shall go and consider the beauty of my garden, in its asymmetrical yet green and calming nature.  Sit by the pond may be, and watch the birds.  Join me there in your thoughts; and find your own calm too.

“Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around.” Thoreau again... I'm getting to like him.