A bigger garden

Today I have a new viewpoint. To borrow an analogy from a new friend and kindred spirit, (thank you) there is a picture frame through which I view the world. It is very large. Across a whole wall it is broken into sections, rectangular at the lower panels and with an angled edge at the higher, as the window leads up to the pitched roof. Glass gables I suppose you might say.

The effect is to look like the forest outside is part of my world inside. It is green and brown, and very, very still and quiet. The trees stand tall and firm. They disappear into the distance in a triumph of perspective generosity; allowing my eye to wonder what is beyond. I know it is more of the same, with a few expected changes and perhaps some unexpected challenges. There will also be some wonderful surprises. Things you come across, that are worth exploring.

The trees are serene and constant. All the tendencies of a goddess's mind. Sensitive and somewhat aloof, but constant. Dappled light streams through the leaves, indicating the day beyond.

I sit alone though. Contemplating the stillness.

Roses - part two

There aren't many songs about roses (well, ones I like, anyway).  But this one came to mind.
Beautiful lyrics.

'There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.
But did you know,  That when it snows,
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen.
Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, The more I get of you,
The stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the gray.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
You remain,
My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny.
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
But did you know,  That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Baby,
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you
The stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the gray,

I've been kissed by a rose on the gray,
I've been kissed by a rose
I've been kissed by a rose on the gray,
...And if I should fall along the way
I've been kissed by a rose
.....'
by Seal

Bliss

Roses

Two roses are in bloom in my garden.  Not two plants, just two roses. Peachy-apricot and today they sit flawlessly on the bush, no blemishes, at the peak of their perfection, ready to take on the world. 

All the aphids or rot are gone, although they may always worry about their return.  The birds ignore them.  The sun radiates on them, even though the rays do not yet reach them, I know that today is their day. I admire them, and send their image to the world. 

Who knows how long it will last?  My view here is very simplistic, a hopeful simplicity (if only life were that simple).  What is important is that they enjoy the wonder that is today, forget the battles over, and find quiet ignorance of what may come.  Happy oblivion is so hard to come by.  Their perfection is unique - I know that to be such, they are flawed.  We are all flawed - and that is what makes us who we are.  The honesty of this perfection is knowing and admitting what we know about ourselves to be true.  I wouldn't want the roses to be anything else...

Aside from the beauteous roses, the apple tree is now shedding quite a few of the glut of apples – as predicted.  It simply was too much to handle, and they lie lost on the floor.  The blackbirds enjoy them though, and I even open the fallers to allow easy access to the flesh within.  The birds know this.  They are quite capable of pecking through the skin, and do so if I have not cut for them.  Of course they are totally self-sufficient – they are living beings.  Their evolution has brought them to a place where they can be so.  And I am happy that is the case.  I’m not trying to save a weak species from extinction, it is just a welcome recognition that I can sometimes help make their life easier.  That gives me some small feeling that I have helped – even though it may not have been needed.  And in any case, I would rather the fallen apples were used than wasted.

The air was cool as I walked barefoot on the lawn this morning.  All the promise of a glorious day ahead is given, although the sun has not yet reached high enough in the sky to warm the air.  It will do so later, and that will be good.  This time of year is wonderful, and unusually the garden is still green and lush, when normally it would be fading into brown by now.  The cycle of things is taking its course, but is always different – and this year the garden is sporting a new fence, a tidy pond, and is warming my heart.  Life goes on.

Reflections part two...

I realise last night's blog was uncharacteristically raw.  The response to something that unsettled me.

Your love for yourself is central to your ability to take new challenges and step forward bravely in everything that you do.  Part of it is a conviction that you can do what you are about to do.  And part of it is understanding what you are and are not capable of.  It’s a question of being realistic in these considerations, but also to understand that if there is something you have to do, then you need to find a way of do it, that doesn’t involve getting someone else to do it, or doing without it.

I have never suffered from lack of confidence.  Anyone who knows me would probably stake their life on this.  There are times though when it has wavered.

A long time ago I was a performer.  An actress, who could carry a song, and execute a dance.  But chiefly an actress.  I was up there on the stage portraying someone other than myself.  One of the things about this was that you usually have a script.  When you didn’t – that horrific word ‘improvisation’ – I would shy away and never create what I thought of as good work.  I couldn’t think quickly enough to say the things that really meant what I wished to convey.  So I avoided it.

Then a friend convinced me to do something that involved high risk improvisation – face to face with the public.  I was petrified.  But hooked.  I wasn’t very good that first time, and remember freezing at one point, and being helped out by one of my colleagues.  But I did get something out of it, and went on to do many more.  My confidence in myself grew.  In being myself on stage, rather than having to be a character.  And this spread into my work life, and other hobbies, allowing me to find a whole new sector of operations.

So I do understand a little of what someone close to me is going through.  But I am frustrated, as every opportunity has been given to develop those skills.  Something as simple as ordering a meal is – seemingly – impossible.  Or at least, he shies away from it.

I’ve always thought of this as laziness, and been cross, but got on and done it anyway.  But I now see that my ‘giving in’ has created a bigger problem.  I do know I haven’t been negligent – I’m sure about that.  I do know that I’ve only done what I thought was right for him.  Have I spoilt him?  Maybe.

So it’s back to square two.  (Square one would probably be an over simplification)  Little steps.

What has been hard is that another person has been rather critical on my lack of understanding.  As though he knows so much more.  Yes, he is probably far quieter than I.  But the conversation gave the impression that I was in the wrong for acting as I have done.  And turned it in on himself as an equal victim that I didn’t understand.  I don’t know where to go with that one – he won’t tell me what is really bothering him.  So I’m in the dark.  I might have suspicions, but I can’t do anything about those until confirmed.  And this is typical.  I want to know.  I ask, but I never get any answers, real, implied or hints. 

How am I meant to know what to do?  How is anyone meant to know what someone wants if they refuse to communicate?  I want the best for them both.  So how to go about it?

The quandary for now is such.  I will try to find answers and solutions.

My favourite theorist Stephen Covey says if you want to change someone for the better, make sure you are who you want to be first.  Easier said than done, especially when you believed it was all going well.  Still, always good to take another look.  And I know there are some things that I should avoid.  But those are the sweetest pleasures.  Do I have to take the bland option?

Talking rubbish

It's late, and a conversation has stolen my peace.

Something that I thought was relatively stable has proved not to be so, and needs urgent attention. But I'm not meant to know.

How to give someone confidence in himself? Or two people?

Have I lost sight of all that matters? In pursuit of my own life.

Musings about Cake

Cake is lovely.  There is simply no other way of describing it. 

It can be light, fluffy and barely appear to be there, or it can be dark, heavier and more intense. 

It might have a topping on it – of icky-sticky butter-cream, which sweetens the experience far past the voyages of sensibleness.  Or a topping to give texture, such as the crunch of chopped nuts, chocolate strands, or even sweet delicacies.  

It might have things inside it, like gooey jam – raspberry is my favourite, but I also have a penchant for blackcurrant’s bitter-sweet edge, which offsets the richness of a warm vanilla sponge.  Ah, and cake made with real vanilla is second to none.

I’m not one of these girls who have an overt desire for chocolate cake.  It’s fine, but I prefer the simplicity of a Victoria Sponge over heavy cocoa beans.  Or English Madeira Cake… simplicity personified.

But no fruit.  Well, occasionally, may be, but I am not in favour of too many complex flavours at the same time.  Christmas Cake is just too much of a good thing all at once – you can’t tell what is happening to the flavour – and I am a bit of a control freak.

The exception to the rule (isn’t there always), is carrot cake.  Weird and wacky; but I like it.  It has to be naked of those silly passion-fruit cream toppings though, and be lavish in its cinnamon with a hint of cloves.  You see – I really know what I like, although if someone comes up with a new recipe – I’ll give it a try.  Finding a new favourite is always just fine.

Maybe some chocolate chips.

Maybe it’s best when you’ve made it yourself – but also good when someone has made it for you.

And when?  Well, cake can be right for any time of the day or night. It is a multi-purpose food-stuff.  When the mood takes, or planned and strategized.  Accompanied by tea, or port, or cream poured over.  It might even share the plate with some ripe, luscious strawberries... or be drizzled with lemon syrup...

Oh dear, I’m going to have to go and buy some now…

Reflections

I don't break easily.  I have no doubt that I could be broken - particularly if someone was peculiarly close to knowing the real me.  But whilst it might happen, it would be understandable.  And so I would know why.

And would accept.  I have to accept.  Fighting eternal power is fruitless.

I hope that there would never be a reason to fear such a thing. Knots can be untied, they don't have to be cut. That I can deal with every eventuality... Well, I've made that my goal.

I don't regret.  I analyse, understand, catalogue and move on.  I know where my towel is.  Well, most of the time.

I am a product of my experiences.  If I had had different ones, I would be a different person now.  Not so... curious.  Not so ... patient.

I've not had everything I ever wanted.  But I have had lots that I did, once want.  That I still do want.

A paradigm of paradoxes.

Yep, that describes me well.

'No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe' - John Donne, 1624



No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe;
every man is a peece of the Continent,

a part of the maine;

if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse,
as well as if a Promontorie were,
as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine own were;

any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde;

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.

Today has been quite changeable.  It started with a high - and then another.  Personal things that I've longed to do for some time, and now have done.

A quiet day, doing chores, tidying heart and home, and a little work thrown in. 

Well, quite a lot of work really, but I am surprisingly mellow about it.  A deadline on Monday.  My team have noted that I seem not to care.  This is not true - I care very much, but have finally managed to set it in perspective.  

This year I have taken control.  I am no longer reliant on a system that fights me every step of the way.  I take what it gives and then adjust for the things I know are missing.  Bringing everything back to completeness.  I have learned to trust my team, to allow them to help me, and take ownership and develop their own ideas and strategms.  And it has helped.  The weight of the job is not just on my shoulders, they help me carry the heavy load.  And they too benefit from this.  An Island is only an island if you look at the water.  We are all connected beneath the surface.

What would be good is if everything worked perfectly first time.  If there were no adjustments to make, and if the system did all the work.  But that never happens.  Ever.  In anything.  So why should I be trying to attain the impossible here in my work life, as I have done in my private.  Who cares about my struggles?  They want my work to be the best, to use it for their aims (and abuse it when it suits), but do not care or understand the sweat and tears that lie beneath.

That doesn't mean to say I don't try my best.  Lord knows I've struggled to perfect things.  But even though most of us know there is no 'Happy Ever After', we still try to attain it. We dream about it, and write it down in books.  I get paid to do a job - and doing it well makes me happy.  My own terms, my rules.

Do I want there to be a Happy Ever After?  If I did get it right, first time, would it provide the challenge during or the satisfaction on completion?  The satisfaction -yes, it probably would give, the first time.  But the second or the third.... ?  Satisfaction is like a drug - we need to be challenged more to gain it.  Each step further than the last.  To be able to taste the next sip of nectar - a new step, richer, thicker, more idyllic than the last.  We want to bathe in such luxury, but know that it is not good for us.  It makes us want more.

In work, that is accepted.  The consumate professional works to an end, achieves (or doesn't) and moves on to new things.  Perhaps that is why I am so cool - I have reached the point at which I should move on, but can't, just yet, and that has made me switch off from the pain of frustration.  I should move, refresh the challenge.

But I don't want to leave things half finished.  Walking away now would seem like abandonment on my part - I have to finish what I have started.  Although nothing will be 'finished' in the pure sense, it will carry on growing and developing for many years.  But I can reach a stable state, that has a future.  I care what happens afterwards - when I am gone.  I want to be remembered in a good light.  (As a shining beam in the gloom would be nice, but that is too much to ask...)  And it makes me happy to know that I leave that legacy.


Such a waste

Do any of us ever achieve what we set out to do?  We may achieve a version of what was started, but it has often evolved into something different.  All we can hope is that we have instilled some of our values into it, and given it the best start in life.  To allow it to become its own thing, is perhaps one of the challenges - like letting a grown child out into the world. 

We also learn by the journey, and sometimes, just sometimes, the thing we achieve is far better than we ever dreamed of.  Our imagination is not infinite - combine the imaginations of valued people along with your own, and you can make something amazing together.  And it is not the end, but just the beginning. 

Father Alfred D'Souza - mysterious possible theologian and philosopher 
'For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,
some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way.
So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.'

And finally for today

'If you want to be happy, be.'  ~Leo Tolstoy

Tired

My eyelids laden, I’m in a daze

I feel the world whirls about today,

The simplest tasks take extra thought,

A wandering mind drifts on a cloud.

The body weak and faintly stiff -

Not from exertions that should have caused,

But from the subsequent increased space

Where adrenalin once flowed and passion reigned.

The mind is tired too, you see,

From too much thought and expectation’s pleasure

The simple question ‘what if?’ takes its toll

On working thoughts of ‘what is now?’

But spirit sits atop the tree

Oversees the gentle faithful step

That brings me here to comfort kept

And takes my world from no to yes.

Rest my weary head upon a cushion soft

And take the time to recharge throughout;

Silky thoughts that cleanse my mind

Refresh, re-live, respond, rejoin.

A great leveller

Spending the day with a child with learning disabilities.

Fascinating, exhausting, fun, worrying, pondering. Wondrous, challenging, sadness, concern, frustration, love.

Being thankful for all I have.

Perspective

"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."
-- Obi-Wan Kenobi

Who is the good guy and who is the bad guy.  Surely Anakin Skywalker considered himself the good guy.   If you're looking from the inside, what can you view except your own point of view.

And at least it gives you a sense of purpose. 

When looking through everyone's eyes, and trying to see all of their points of view, it's easy to lose your own perspective.

Ah, I still can't find any answers on these things... but I keep perservering....