Does anyone ever look at their whole life and say ‘it’s all been good’? The ‘yes’ faction would happily say ‘I’ve been so lucky’, ‘I met the right person’, ‘I worked very hard and I’m satisfied with my efforts’, or even ‘it wasn’t all good at the time, but I worked through the hard bits’ and/or ‘I learnt lots from the bad times – and didn’t make those mistakes again.’ The ‘No’ faction wouldn’t recognise the question.
The Yes group have valid points. Although I’m not convinced that most people ask the question of their life in the first place, those that do, find a higher plain of understanding in the world (is this ‘intelligence’?) If you have reviewed it, even once, you would find the good; but they are often overrun by sections that were painful, difficult, complex and unsettling. So to take it in one trajectory, is to create a bland overview, which sometimes only serves me to highlight the pain – and even worse, lack of achievement. For this I recommend regular sections of review, to allow the whole to be taken in bitesize chunks. ‘How do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time?’ (not that I would ever want to consume such a magnificent beast, and in any case, life is tricky enough without setting yourself idiotic goals).
“Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.” Richard Bach
If you look at a section of your life, you can see the highs and lows more clearly. You can measure the highs, and relish them – putting them in a frame on your mantelpiece. It does make the mistakes more apparent too, but the reasons behind them, decisions, and indeed solutions (whether taken or not at the time) are more transparent. In nature, there are no straight lines – you can’t move from A to B without diversions. Everything is curved. The horizon looks straight and level when you see it from the beach, but you are really only looking at a short section of it, and from above it is curved.
Reflection creates a short straight line, which is good as people seem to like them – and they are easier to deal with. Right or wrong – everything is so much easier in black and white. But reality is not black and white, so looking at one section at a time helps to set you up for the future, and helps to mould your future actions, by adjusting learning from the straight lines and adjusting for the curves. The danger, else, is that you make the same mistakes again. This often happens when the clouds obscure your view.
It’s never good to make a decision on a cloudy day. An even worse time is when the rain stings your eyes, and the gale pushes you to the ground. Deal with the weather; try to put on a sturdy coat and hat. Or better yet, get inside and weather the storm with a roaring fire, glass of wine and good book. You need to deal with things – but sometimes, the temporary respite of fantasy can allow the mist to clear.
“There are times when a battle decides everything, and there are times when the most insignificant thing can decide the outcome of a battle” Napoleon Boneparte
All of us change over time. We are a product of our genetics, yes, (I dare say I shall return to that topic at some point) but also, and very importantly, we are a product of our experiences. We cannot change them – bad things may have happened. But we can choose how to deal with the memory of them; what it tells us about ourselves; and the forward action that prevents them happening again. Making the same mistake again may be necessary in certain circumstances – to protect health for example – and perhaps this includes mental health. But the wise person looks beyond the here and now, and reflects on what to do with those bad experiences. All that seems a little formulaic as I write: but it’s the reflection on past experiences that have made me who I am now.
Of course none of it is as simple as that seems. Life is a tangled mass of brambles, strangling the beautiful climbing roses and clematis. Suffocating the delicate emotions of the nurtured blooms. Unpicking one at a time is often impossible. Sometimes it can be done, but other times you just want to slash everything off at the roots and start again. Unwise. Doing this is a cathartic process and can help, but you lose the benefit of your work so far. If you have tended those seedlings and invested in the future, to wipe them out seems foolish. The clever person manages to keep the best of the good, whilst weeding out the bad. It may not be the easy way, but it builds the better garden, surely?
The notes I write here, once more help me to reflect on matters. It’s a method of sorting and filing things in the velvet filing cabinet. I take comfort that others have thought on the same topics, and experienced the same brambles. Some things are filed under both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ headings – and they have to be cross referenced, otherwise you can lose sight of the impact they had on the continuum. I sometimes get out the ‘bad file’ to review whether I’ve made progress. Sometimes I have, sometimes not. Some themes keep on recurring – and this makes me think they are very important to me. Fantasy for example. I have to have this in my tool kit, as it is my escape, my method of dealing with the tribulations (so minor compared to others’ pain), and constant questioning. I get out my imagination and somehow the reality is not so oppressive. Does this make me a creative person by nature? Do I live in an imaginary world? And even more important – is that bad?
In my mind I am someone I am not, and at the same time, I am myself, with all the brambles cut back, and letting the flowers and shrubs grow peacefully, and passionately in abundance. However, the scenarios are seldom wholesome. I don’t imagine living in a little country cottage, tending a small garden, happy in my pinny. At the other extreme, I don’t imagine celebrity. Somewhere in the middle – and off at a predictable tangent – I draw a world of short term excitement around me. It has to be short term, because it has to be short term – I can’t see the horizon, except from the beach. Somehow, I always imagine small sections of clarity, snapshots of intensity that stop my sleep and excite my being. Is that wrong? (I keep asking that – as though I need someone to justify my actions – approve of me – why do I do that? Reader – put your thoughts on that one….) These snapshots offer me such passion (not always sexual), rich and coloured red, purple and deep rose. I embrace them, and long for those who help me create them, even when I shouldn’t.
But do I torture myself in my quest for truth? If I gave up the fantasy would I be better off or worse?
Reviewing the curvature of the earth helps me with decisions. Not easy, and you never see the whole picture, or factor in all the variables; but you see more clearly on that cloudless day. Some decisions are discussed, and filed in the pending pile – where they may stay for many years, under continual or occasional review, adding new points to the file as things change.
"Quick decisions are unsafe decisions"
Sophocles
I try to keep them in perspective. I love them as they are a part of me, these files. Keeping them helps me keep a perspective on my world. As though I soared like a seagull over the earth…
