"It is better...to look upon external beauty as Michelangelo did, as 'the frail and weary weed, in which God dresses the soul, which he had called into time." Ralph Waldo Emmerson

What is Beauty?

Philosophy Professor A.C Grayling said that there is 'an almost universal need for it', which can be demonstrated by asking how many people would willingly choose to live in ugly surroundings rather than pleasing ones.  So to need it, we must find it; and to find it we must define it.  If you believe the media, personal beauty is a slim shape (or muscular for men), pretty, blemish-free and symmetrical features, nice clothes conforming to a style of your choosing..... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  A well worn topic which I need not repeat. And many do think this is all beauty is.

And many, including me, enjoy this perception of beauty.  It's just lovely to look at. It's art.  And we can't deny that we are absorbed by it, drawn to it and like to look at it on the big screen.  I don't criticise truly beautiful people, just those who think it is all you should attain.  And so my ramblings take shape.

Many would say that beauty is subjective - in the eye of the beholder.  This is as old as the hills, mountains and seas - a known opinion that pre-dates Pythagoras.   This is a perceptive truth - for how else could one person prefer the straight lines of a magnolia box and another prefer the curves and rough stone of a medieval manor.   But sticking to personal beauty (one man's boyish figure is another man's rounded curves) does the media represent anything other than falsity?  And what is it that attracts us to someone who does not conform to the stereotype.  That person is truly the beautiful one - the one who can see beyond the surface.

Surely no one is taken in by the fact that all we see portrayed are these fairly repetitive looks.  Or are they.  The vulnerable (and those that should know better) believe that this is 'the norm' - that if they are not such a look then they are not worth anything.  This was brought to my attention at a discussion last evening, where senior teachers tried to explain why they could not ban make up at the school - not even for 11 and 12 year old girls.  There are those, apparently, who by the age of 11 are so ingrained into wearing make up that they cannot leave the house without it, and would die from lack of confidence.  These innocents are apparently being brought up by 15 and 16 year old siblings, and often live between two or more houses, without a proper bedroom of their own.  The only way the teachers can help to address these social issues is to work with the girls to wean them off their reliance on this and other 'pacifiers'.

Honestly - this made me cross.  Why pander to the tiny minority and teach the other girls that it is fine for them as well. I don't rant often, but this was frustrating. Two apparently sane and insiteful parents then described how each morning a battle ensues between them and their daughters, over how much make up was to be worn.  It was apparently easier to give in than to battle every day.  Are we, as parents, making a rod for the backs of the future generations by giving in?  Is the decrease in discipline causing more than just orange faced girls who couldn't show their natural prettiness if they tried?  ..... I digress.

There is some truth with physical beauty though - as Pythagoras identified that a mathematical perfection in a face or body gains an understandable attraction; and that surroundings of beauty often form predetermined patterns based on fertility and vital life signs - rich green trees, clear running water and so on.  The human body of course, if truly functional, is beautifully capable of the best reproduction.  Sadly, size 0 models are often infertile....

Most of us would say that there is more to beauty than just looks.  There is attitude - confidence is supposed to be a hugely attractive feature, and it can be - when balanced and kept in proportion.  Knowing what you want is comforting - you have a way forward, or at least a goal to try for.  And to see this in someone else can be devastatingly attractive, and comforting at the same time, particularly if they are close to you.  The converse is that if they cannot see the future, they can become unnattractive, by the very nature of not giving confidence in how they progress.  Having no vision allows you  (or them) to drift... sometimes that is fine, but sometimes it's not.  And seeing how to make it work; that too is attractive.

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost. There is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.”  Henry David Thoreau

But it's not all about confidence, it's about awareness and gentility too.  It's about intelligence and understanding and .... well, the list is endless.  Physical attributes to a person, that dip into their character. Oh, and what is character?  Is it something that you can put on and off like a coat?  Not really  - true character must be lived.  Someone trying to falsify that character will eventually show the cracks, and be seen for the person they really are.  It's about beliefs, deep set and heart warming.  Things you desperately want to be.  The beautiful person you aspire to be.

Stephen Covey says to improve the superficial things in your life (money, relationships, status) you have
'to start with the most inside part of 'self' - with your paradigms, your character, and your motives.'
Basically 'be' who you want to be.  And there is nothing quite so beautiful as someone who is what they aspire to be; and even if they are not there yet, can see that goal and are working towards it.

Looking for the Covey quote, I found a list I made on a course in about 2002 - of things that I wanted to be remembered for - as though I were writing my own epitaph - in the way that I would have achieved the most important things to me.  I chose:

• Respect
• That I tried hard to please
• Honesty and being honorable
• Worked hard
• Dedicated
• Loyal
• Trustworthy
• Always there to support a friend
• Loved, and Loving
• Intelligent and Knowing
• Gentle
• Warm
• Skilled, and concentrated her skills on the things most important to her
• Versatile
• Enthusiastic
• Happy
• Satisfied with herself - but never stopped learning and developing.

It seems a little obvious in some cases, but actually, I look at it now, and see all the things that are still important to me.  I'd like to think I have achieved a reputation for most (answers on a postcard please) which was quite a revelation, even if I'm really hard and honest, I'd admit to working well on some and not so well on others. - but let's 'be' that confident person tonight, so I will say 'I have achieved most'  (now.... sustaining them.....).  The one I would add now, is 'Brave'.  To have the courage to see a path that leads to achievement of all those things is tricky for me. Not that I hope to have to be brave - but to ensure I've done the things I can.   It's a risk in the short term, that leads to the long term happiness and acceptance that experiences have not been wasted and opportunities have not been lost.

What I didn't write down were the physical things I want or feel I need, or that the forced relationships with others to try to change them.  That's a revelation.  I've been cross with myself for so long about body shape, and missed the obvious facts beneath.  Change yourself and your perception of what you want, is Mr Covey's focus - wise words.

There is of course an even deeper level of beauty - that of spirituality.  In some, this is their faith, in others, it is wider and more open than one religion at a time: or not 'religious' at all - for what is religion but a set of rules based around how you wish to live your life?.  The transcendentalists noted that

"man has something besides the body of flesh, a spiritual body, with senses to perceive what is true, and right and beautiful, and a natural love for these, as the body for its food."  Charles Mayo Ellis,

and the Emmerson quote at the heading  speaks of physical beauty as purely a lip gloss on the lip of the model - it's the lip and the content inside (the ability to use the lip productively?) that are the true worth.   The transcendentalists looked to the writings of many religions and non-religious theories, bringing west and east together (whilst trying to avoid heavy European influences) into a core understanding of how man is put together. Seeing through the haze to the real person is an art and a science, and none of us get it right all the time.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?” Henry David Thoreau

My spirituality, I think, comes partly from my ability to try and see good in all things and most people.  I understand many opinions, always trying to search for a new sense of perspective.  I believe that there may well be more to life than this, but try to keep my feet on the ground - for to my knowledge man has not yet learnt to fly.  John Ruskin called natural beauty 'vital beauty' - the beauty of all living things.  If I want to 'be' the list above, this seems as good a start as any - so I shall try to 'be' vital.  Be Alive.

But now, I think I'm rambling, and in danger of wandering off the path, so I shall go and consider the beauty of my garden, in its asymmetrical yet green and calming nature.  Sit by the pond may be, and watch the birds.  Join me there in your thoughts; and find your own calm too.

“Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around.” Thoreau again... I'm getting to like him.

"The giving of love is an education in itself" - Eleanor Roosevelt

I really shouldn't have watched that film.  I haven't cried so much since the second (not first) attendance at Les Mis in 1993, where I cried the entire length of my walk back to the hotel (approx 30 mins).  For no apparent reason - it's sad, but I'd seen it before, so why?  I perhaps knew, but never allowed myself to accept it.

Another film did that to me once before - I shan't say which one, but accept that it is not a film that one would normally accept to make you sad - just perhaps reflective on the nature of good and bad, on love and on an individual's inability to find and allow himself happiness.

Last night I confused the fellow watcher, who found it strange and amusing that there was such a reaction.  His youth has not given him many tears (of which I am so glad), and his wisdom does not yet allow him experience of seeing such unexpected things.  He was marvellous though.

And in any case, I am not sad.  Many other things - all at once - but not sad.
I guess I'm occasionally susceptable to releasing my emotions at a 'convenient' opportunity.  And in any case, the provocation must be the ...cold.

Another day in the garden

The apple tree is rippling in the wind.  It is agitated, constantly moving and the leaves fluttering with each new gust of the breeze.  Then it subsides to stillness, before picking up the pace and swaying once again.  It is excited, to respect the longest day.

The Apple Tree

Looking through my window I see the garden in the rain.  I see the green looking more luxurious than in the last few weeks.  I see the pond refilled without artificial assistance.  I see the birds sheltering in various spots, knowing that they can come out again shortly.  I see the blackbird hopping about on the lawn, pulling worms from the freshened grass, brought out by the pitter patter of the droplets on the surface.  A tasty meal brought about by nature.

I see the apple tree.  It has grown so large this year and is loaded with fruit.  So heavy, the burden weighs it down and the lower branches can no longer be walked under.  Clearly the gentle pruning I gave it in the spring (far too late really) has helped it to become even more fertile and productive.  Amazing what a bit of discipline can sometimes do.

It currently bears far too many baby apples though - it will not be able to sustain all of those, and will need to shed some or it will collapse under the weight.  No living thing could bring all that to fruition - it simply won't have the resources to do it.  So it will decide upon the weaker fruit and release them in their infancy to lie lost on the lawn, where they will make it into the compost bin and become a part of the eternal cycle of the garden.  This will make the tree stronger, as it will be able to concentrate on the ones that are really important.  A little like me needing to shed some of my projects and focussing on the really important things.  They need time to grow.  Actually that's what I'm in the process of doing, with a couple of things, things I've outgrown, or have helped as far as I can.  New attentions will no doubt take their place, but that's ok.

The tree glistens in the rain, supping at heaven's downfall. I love how it looks.  It looks still and peaceful, but every few seconds a heavy raindrop hits a leaf, making it move.  I can't see the droplet from here, but I know and trust that it is there - one has to trust in some causes, even though they may be invisible.  The overall effect is that the tree is alive, with sporadic movement, randomly placed across the emerald surface.  The movement is there, and then gone.  Never in the same place twice.  No pattern, just sponteneity.

It makes me think of a life, touched from all over, by all sorts of influences, rich and living, and as with the rain, contributing to the wellbeing and development of the tree.  There is, of course the trunk - sturdy and consistent that brings constancy.  There are the roots, nourishing.  There are the birds, occasional visitors and a few close and frequent returners, who tend the tree, pollenating it and creating that wonderful fruit.  A gentle touch here and there, a small investment of their time, they make the tree a fully functioning thing.  A synergy.  The tree gives them sustainance too, and they live together in the green garden.

Of course the rain feeds the roots, the trunk, the branches, leaves and fruit.  Just like some things, and people, in a life.  Those things and people should be treasured.  They nurture the very core.

I hope my apple tree continues to fruit well, and look forward to a bumper crop shortly.  And the cycle of life will continue.

Wise words Mr K

'IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
 
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
 
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son! '


I stumbled upon this today for the first time in quite a number of years.  I think my last encounter may have been at school.  I know that when I read it today, it resonated far more than it did then.  This is probably down to experience.  You go through life choosing things, and learning skills.  I'd like to think I have some of these skills.

'If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue'

How many public figures could learn from that....  My crowds are of a somewhat smaller nature, and I pride myself that I may talk to them with honesty and yet engage them in my verbosity.  Take them along with me, to learn the things I know, and perhaps enrich their lives a little.

'If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;'

Confidence is both an asset and an albatross around your neck.  There are those who see you walk tall and follow you - for surely walking tall is the sign of someone who knows what they do.  Sometimes, they just follow because it is easier for them to do so.  But others doubt that your confidence is worthy, and suspect you have other motives.  I'm not sure what they hope to gain, but they do.  The English are particularly good at this - as a nature we are suspicious of success, believing anyone who builds their life is up to something.

I try so hard to impress - to inspire confidence in others.  But often, it is difficult to even convince yourself that you should be a source of inspiration.  You look at what you do, and see only (or mostly) the faults.  So how can you believe that others should follow you?  That is where your supporters come in.  It becomes a chain - they give you back that confidence and help you find the way that works.  They love you, and are there for you when you lose faith in yourself.

The 'man' who always trusts himself, and has confidence in himself when all around him doubt, is rare.  Some that think they do, have just not thought things through.  It's actually more fun to ride the wave, and work with others to achieve your goals.  Fighting through adversity is said to make people stronger, and that I truly believe.  They may get a little wiser, and a little more reticent along the way.... but that's not a bad thing.  I think I tread the middle ground.  Sometimes I ride the wave of confidence, other times I am stable.  It's something to aspire to though.

'If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;'

Hmm - I'm working on that one.  Dreams can be functional, a release of inward stresses, a pleasant distraction, an overture to where you wish to be.  At the intermission, or the third act?  Where will you be?  Will your final curtain be at a point where you can say 'hmm, yes, I achieved my dreams' or even 'I was lucky enough to experience some of them'.  Perhaps I need to work on my dreams some more.  Without allowing them into the realms of obsession.

                                         'If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim'

Writing this tome has cleansed me, got many things off my chest, and given me new perspective.  The thoughts are not my aim, the aim is to lead a better life, for me and my loved ones, and possibly for the world in general.  I don't really want all the Earth, but I do hope to be a better 'man.'

Blue night - rich royal blue, the velvet sparkling with pinpoints of light

The mist has lifted, through business and activity. In all my years I have always felt better when I have been productive. Tonights was small and simple, but therefore quickly complete and much more satisfactory than the small beginnings of a larger project would be. I think that's what I need, a project.

I had hoped to catch up with an old friend tonight. Didn't quite work out, but there will be other opportunities. I ponder on how many good friends I think of phoning, but find it difficult if i don't have a 'reason' to phone. I never like to bother people, if it's just for a chat. I hardly ever take that approach.

I suppose it is because I am happy with my own thoughts and don't need the light or small talk that others thrive on. I'm not very good at it. It seems banal and pathetic. I'd rather have a little confident silence than make idle chatter. I love to listen too, especially when the speaker is knowledgeable.



Well, I shall rest now, my dreams propagated with stars on rich blue. I know they are balls of dying gas, but in my eyes they twinkle with thoughts of the past and future.

Grey day

I have to admit yesterday was like a flight above the clouds. Up here, the air is pure and you can see for miles. Beautiful thoughts, challenging yet peaceful revelations. Thoughts for the near future, ignoring the distant for now, gave me great happiness.

This morning I've descended into the mist a little. Not due to yesterday, although perhaps subconsciously I have now let Angels and demons fight it out. Perhaps I've been sidestepping their battle, although their differences are well discussed. Sometimes it's difficult to tell who is who... It depends where you stand to observe. It takes a valued friend to point these things out. When you're too close it's hard to see things clearly.

The larger cause of the descent is the realisation that one of my duties has failed by a reputable standard. It is not entirely down to me, but as I have been driving things forward, it is by default. However, at least I now know what should be done. Whether it will be, is another matter entirely.

A further cloud is the lack of knowledge on what to do with a certain issue. I've tried what I can; I now wait for response. Waiting is no hardship, if I get a response. My fear is that I will hear nothing. Frustration wiill follow.

I will now make every effort to rise again. Being down here doesn't suit me.

Post Script

I didn't really answer my own questions in the last post.  Is fantasy escapism or torture?

I don't know.  Ask anyone who has ever been lost in a book, or felt transported by a film, or created a personal fantasy they act out.  Coming back to real life may be painful, but it is real life that makes the fantasy so special.  For if you were to constantly indulge yourself, you either run the risk of losing yourself forever, or in the fantasy becoming the norm, and then you need a new fantasy.

Fantasy isn't always risk free.  Sometimes retreating from it is intense torture.  But sometimes it releases the ability to accommodate the norm.  And make that a better life for all.

PPS - if you put 'Fantasy' into Google and select Images, the first 10 pages almost all contain iridescent women, lithe and scantily clad.  Presumably that's the artists of the genre opinion of what fantasy is.... Don't women have fantasies?  Luckily page 11 had something I felt suited me.



"Pure Imagination"

Bricusse  & Newley - not my favourite songwriters, but this one seemed to suit the post.

"Come with me, And you'll be, In a world of Pure imagination;

Take a look, And you'll see, Into your imagination

We'll begin, With a spin, Travelling in, The world of my creation;

What we'll see Will defy Explanation

If you want to view paradise, Simply look around and view it

Anything you want to, do it

Wanta change the world?

There's nothing, To it

There is no, Life I know, To compare with Pure imagination

Living there, You'll be free

If you truly wish to be."

Of course, I don't own a chocolate factory, so my scope might be limited .... Now there's a thought.  Next fantasy coming up...

Fantasy: escapism or torture?

Does anyone ever look at their whole life and say ‘it’s all been good’?  The ‘yes’ faction would happily say ‘I’ve been so lucky’, ‘I met the right person’, ‘I worked very hard and I’m satisfied with my efforts’, or even ‘it wasn’t all good at the time, but I worked through the hard bits’ and/or ‘I learnt lots from the bad times – and didn’t make those mistakes again.’  The ‘No’ faction wouldn’t recognise the question.

The Yes group have valid points.  Although I’m not convinced that most people ask the question of their life in the first place, those that do, find a higher plain of understanding in the world (is this ‘intelligence’?)   If you have reviewed it, even once, you would find the good; but they are often overrun by sections that were painful, difficult, complex and unsettling.  So to take it in one trajectory, is to create a bland overview, which sometimes only serves me to highlight the pain – and even worse, lack of achievement.  For this I recommend regular sections of review, to allow the whole to be taken in bitesize chunks.  ‘How do you eat an Elephant?  One bite at a time?’  (not that I would ever want to consume such a magnificent beast, and in any case, life is tricky enough without setting yourself idiotic goals).

“Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.”  Richard Bach

If you look at a section of your life, you can see the highs and lows more clearly.  You can measure the highs, and relish them – putting them in a frame on your mantelpiece.  It does make the mistakes more apparent too, but the reasons behind them, decisions, and indeed solutions (whether taken or not at the time) are more transparent.  In nature, there are no straight lines – you can’t move from A to B without diversions.  Everything is curved.  The horizon looks straight and level when you see it from the beach, but you are really only looking at a short section of it, and from above it is curved. 

Reflection creates a short straight line, which is good as people seem to like them – and they are easier to deal with.  Right or wrong – everything is so much easier in black and white.  But reality is not black and white, so looking at one section at a time helps to set you up for the future, and helps to mould your future actions, by adjusting learning from the straight lines and adjusting for the curves.  The danger, else, is that you make the same mistakes again.  This often happens when the clouds obscure your view. 

It’s never good to make a decision on a cloudy day.  An even worse time is when the rain stings your eyes, and the gale pushes you to the ground.  Deal with the weather; try to put on a sturdy coat and hat.  Or better yet, get inside and weather the storm with a roaring fire, glass of wine and good book.  You need to deal with things – but sometimes, the temporary respite of fantasy can allow the mist to clear.

“There are times when a battle decides everything, and there are times when the most insignificant thing can decide the outcome of a battle” Napoleon Boneparte

All of us change over time.  We are a product of our genetics, yes, (I dare say I shall return to that topic at some point) but also, and very importantly, we are a product of our experiences.  We cannot change them – bad things may have happened.  But we can choose how to deal with the memory of them; what it tells us about ourselves; and the forward action that prevents them happening again.  Making the same mistake again may be necessary in certain circumstances – to protect health for example – and perhaps this includes mental health.  But the wise person looks beyond the here and now, and reflects on what to do with those bad experiences.  All that seems a little formulaic as I write: but it’s the reflection on past experiences that have made me who I am now.

Of course none of it is as simple as that seems.  Life is a tangled mass of brambles, strangling the beautiful climbing roses and clematis.  Suffocating the delicate emotions of the nurtured blooms.  Unpicking one at a time is often impossible.  Sometimes it can be done, but other times you just want to slash everything off at the roots and start again.  Unwise.  Doing this is a cathartic process and can help, but you lose the benefit of your work so far.  If you have tended those seedlings and invested in the future, to wipe them out seems foolish.  The clever person manages to keep the best of the good, whilst weeding out the bad.  It may not be the easy way, but it builds the better garden, surely?

The notes I write here, once more help me to reflect on matters. It’s a method of sorting and filing things in the velvet filing cabinet.  I take comfort that others have thought on the same topics, and experienced the same brambles.  Some things are filed under both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ headings – and they have to be cross referenced, otherwise you can lose sight of the impact they had on the continuum.  I sometimes get out the ‘bad file’ to review whether I’ve made progress.  Sometimes I have, sometimes not.  Some themes keep on recurring – and this makes me think they are very important to me.  Fantasy for example.  I have to have this in my tool kit, as it is my escape, my method of dealing with the tribulations (so minor compared to others’ pain), and constant questioning.  I get out my imagination and somehow the reality is not so oppressive.  Does this make me a creative person by nature?  Do I live in an imaginary world?  And even more important – is that bad?

In my mind I am someone I am not, and at the same time, I am myself, with all the brambles cut back, and letting the flowers and shrubs grow peacefully, and passionately in abundance.  However, the scenarios are seldom wholesome.  I don’t imagine living in a little country cottage, tending a small garden, happy in my pinny.  At the other extreme, I don’t imagine celebrity.  Somewhere in the middle – and off at a predictable tangent – I draw a world of short term excitement around me.  It has to be short term, because it has to be short term – I can’t see the horizon, except from the beach.  Somehow, I always imagine small sections of clarity, snapshots of intensity that stop my sleep and excite my being.  Is that wrong?  (I keep asking that – as though I need someone to justify my actions – approve of me – why do I do that?  Reader – put your thoughts on that one….)  These snapshots offer me such passion (not always sexual), rich and coloured red, purple and deep rose.  I embrace them, and long for those who help me create them, even when I shouldn’t.

But do I torture myself in my quest for truth?  If I gave up the fantasy would I be better off or worse?

Reviewing the curvature of the earth helps me with decisions.  Not easy, and you never see the whole picture, or factor in all the variables; but you see more clearly on that cloudless day. Some decisions are discussed, and filed in the pending pile – where they may stay for many years, under continual or occasional review, adding new points to the file as things change. 

"Quick decisions are unsafe decisions"

Sophocles

I try to keep them in perspective.  I love them as they are a part of me, these files.  Keeping them helps me keep a perspective on my world.  As though I soared like a seagull over the earth…

Being a Goddess - Part One

I have always been a good ‘all-rounder’.  As my Mamma used to say, ‘be warned young lady, you will be a jack of all trades, and master of none’ – and this is now something I accept as my nature and skills.  The trouble with this is that I wish to be the master.  To be brilliant at something, always.  I try so hard to do that, but it is more than just being a master of one thing, I try to be master of everything.  And it is a source of continual disappointment to my own psyche, as I have never yet succeeded – and am unlikely to do so (a practical not depressive statement).

Where did this come from?  No idea.  I was never terribly competitive, and as I think on it, that is not what it is about.  It’s not about being better than someone else; it’s about being fabulous at it, to my own standards.  If I do something, I want to do it well.  'A' Grade effort or more (A* I understand is the phrase).  Often, these standards are set unreasonably high. No one ever achieves everything they could – it’s impossible to do so in any field, ever, let alone all fields all the time.  You can always say – “ah, if only I just…..” – and this can tie one up in knots forever.  So it’s best not to go there – and to break each section down into bite-size chunks.

Now, I don’t try to do everything - I guess I’ll never be an astronaut or medical doctor or play the piano to concert standard.  I’ll never swim the channel or win a gold medal at anything.  I’ll never grow young again, or look like a supermodel.  None of these matter though (although the body of a 24 year old with the wisdom, knowledge, and confidence I have now, would be a truly desireable combination.  If you should invent such a device - I will happily participate in trials) – I’m just trying to prove to myself that I know where to draw the line.  I don’t want celebrity.  I really don't want that.  I’d rather be a good actress than a famous one; be respected rather than be superficially adored; be remembered and thought well of, and loved for who I am.  Now those are theoretically achievable…

It is also about being fabulous at everything I do, to ‘the norm’.  The standards others manage to achieve and especially people who inspire me.  This is positive – it strengthens my motivation, and warms up my direction.  I need to know where to go, as when I don’t, the spiral up to greatness becomes a downward spiral to despair and indolence.

So what sort of things do I mean?  The big three mainly – being a perfect mother, wife, and effective working professional.  ‘Wife’ of course includes being the perfect housekeeper, cook, referee, conversationalist, lover, accountant and emotional guru.  (I suppose one or two out of that lot isn't bad - you can make your mind up yourself as to which they are...)  Also a supporter of the wider family, the loyal and helpful yet fun friend,  the passionate, intelligent woman, and at the same time the morally and ethically strong person, who lives her beliefs rather than puts on a show of them.  Being perfect, not acting perfect.  I see friends who do all these things wonderfully well (and look great doing it). 

I want to know their secret.  How do they do it? 

Part of it is about organization, and my old topic, balance.  Ensuring that you have sufficient time to devote to each part of your life, so that you are a rounded individual and no one suffers from lack of attention.  Including you!  Or it may be that I have been misled, and they are not perfect, do not do all these things wonderfully, and just hide the cracks well. That would be sad, but I'm coming to understand that nothing is what it seems.  Just when you think you know someone, they will surprise you; and others offer no surprises, just loving support and understanding always.  Recent occurances have made me recall just how special friends can be.  In this, I am so lucky.  To me they are, and will always be, treasured.

Come to think of it, I don’t want to know their secrets.  I just want to know they are there.  I’m sure there are some, wicked, delightful secrets and thoughts hidden in those perfect shells.  If you find out any, you are at the same time dismayed that the diamond is flawed, and relieved that they are not perfect; and can even treasure them for their foibles - as it means they are human.  So it’s good to have secrets, isn’t it?  Or should one be aiming to be completely open and honest at everything they do.  Are you allowed to choose some secrets to keep?  If they protect someone else, or are a part of your ability to cope, is it acceptable to hide things – or rather, not consciously reveal them?  Health issues for example – if there were something that would worry your dear ones unnecessarily, would you reveal it?  I won’t, until there was something they should know.  The sad thing is that when something becomes more serious, it is a bigger issue to reveal, and as it grows there is the threat that you do not want them to worry further, and then when it is revealed, it is a blow to the heart that they were not included at the start.  You can’t win.  Both sides of the coin show tails, and you – the eternal optimist – call heads, again and again.  It must be different this time?

Still, if I read this back, I see how unrealistic all that is – there are no Goddesses, totally pure of heart and spirit, perfect in practical matters, and immaculate in physicality.  Writing it down has been a small revelation.  I possibly know a handful of people that are in the category I speak of – perhaps only two or three.  How well do I even know them?  The perfect woman doesn’t exist by these criteria, neither for me and my aspirations, nor for anyone else?  Does anyone feel they are perfect?  Those that do probably would not be considered perfect by others.  Those who may be approaching perfection to others would not consider themselves to be so.  And so it goes on.  Anyway – who are any of us to judge others?  “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.

So what can we aim for, if it is not perfection?  I need to feel some semblance of personal pride in my abilities.  It’s no use being good at something if you have no value for the thing you are good at.  I could be good at something I didn’t believe in, but it would not bring me the same personal satisfaction from being good at something I passionately believed in.  So all the standards must be reviewed, to understand which is most important, which may be adjusted to suit reality.  I won’t be lowering my standards, but I won’t be setting myself unreasonable goals either.  I do have a life to lead.  But if I can aim to be a Goddess in the eyes of those who matter, I will have something worthwhile to try for, and every step up toward the temple, is a step for the better.

Don't miss the next exciting chapters.

Conflicts and trials

Modesty versus confidence

Heels versus Flats

Time travel

Purity versus Sex Goddess

(not necessarily in that order)